NEWSFLASH 1: In a haze of righteous moral indignation, the Australian media has accused Neopets.com of teaching kids how to gamble. Silly Australians. Don't they know that LIFE is a gamble? Of course, one can't expect much from a country that produced Natalie Imbruglia.
NEWSFLASH 2: DEAR RADIO - When one is driving in heavy traffic through pouring rain, concentrating hard on not flipping the car multiple times over and pushing the other cars into metal pyramids, one of most distracting things we do not want to hear is Lenny Kravitz's stupidly simplistic new GAP song that is made up of a grand total of three grating chords and the grander total of two words. STOP PLAYING CRAP. THANK YOU.
And to continue our theme of lame pop stars...
NEWSFLASH 3: Popular R&B singer Alicia Keys is expanding her horizons. The 21-yr-old Grammy Award winner announced today that her real goal is to be an actress. Further shocking interviews from the artist have revealed that she has already starred in a movie, unbeknownst to her fans.
"Oh, I wanted to keep a low profile," Keyes said humbly. "I wasn't sure how good an actress I would be, so this first movie was more of a test of myself."
Apparently, the singer landed a standout role in the foreign Chinese movie, Warriors of Heaven and Earth
"I played the villain," Keyes explained. "It was quite a change for me, because I'm usually such a good girl. I'm not used to ordering people around and having my way."
Keyes plays Master An, a heartless ruler who would stop at nothing to gain possession of a holy artifact. Just one glimpse of the movie reveals that Master An is a master swordsman and kung-fu fighter. When asked about this difficulty, the star just shrugged it off as if it were nothing.
"Oh, it was nothing," Keyes said with a smile. "At first, I was all afraid, wondering if I could get all the complicated fighting moves AND the intricate Chinese language down. Then I realized that doing kung-fu and speaking Chinese were much like playing piano, and I am a master
of the piano. In fact, I can play any piece I want. I can listen to all of Rachman- Rachimanin- that Russian dude's concertos and play them all by ear. I especially love Beethoven because his music expresses the same beauty that I emanate. I remember how my mom would never let me quit playing piano, and now I heartily thank her for it, because I am, humbly, the best player in the world. But as I was saying, the intricacies of the Chinese language are nothing compared to the intricacies of "Fur Elise." Within days, I was speaking as fluently as the rest of them! As for the martial arts, well, if my fingers can fly with such amazing speed when I play scales, then surely I must be able to move with the same grace with the rest of my body."
And so she must have, because the brave Keyes claims to have done all her stunts herself, with no wires.
"Every movement you see on that screen is me," she announced proudly. "Even the mustache is authentic!"
Though she used a pseudonym in Warriors
, Keyes has no intention of doing so again.
"Now that I know I can act, I'm going to do it proudly and represent!" Keyes said.
Already, the movie is being hailed by critics as "one of 2004's most thrilling adventures!" Unfortunately, Keyes was not asked to sing the soundtrack for the movie (again, the low profile), but she hopes to do so in the future. And a very bright future it is, if we are to judge with masteful performance in Warriors of Heaven and Earth