ENGRISH

May. 5th, 2009 11:22 am
lawofar18: (takeshi rawr)
The summary on the back of my Warlords DVD, reproduced exactly:

Zhang Wenxiang, yellow longitudinal were bush subject, and Ma Yi-no discord, no concord, and become heterosexual brothers. The second longitudinal Huang's wife Milan love JET LI, but Ma Yi-establish a strong feeling of defense, was not broken by the love of Milan. Ma Yi-to be the new Governor of the two Jiang, Milan for the new Ma Yi-growing love and Ma Yi-Toachieve the new objective of unscrupulous, his moraland emotional defense also totally collapse, and finallysecured a Milan, killing brothers yellow longitudinal. Third Cheung heard in the matter so angry that the newMa Yi-assassinated and the Ministry of Punishment on confessed.
lawofar18: (idunnolol)
While shopping in Temple City, came across this store )
lawofar18: (scrubs banjo)
VINNY: I wonder if there was a wedding coordination office for anyone who wanted to get married on the Death Star.



Nerd. ♥
lawofar18: (Yukimura)
Some pictures I dug up of this mist-maker humidifier gadget thingy of half price doom. The Engrish is hilarious.

Anion humidifier? )
lawofar18: (dr cox broken jaw by mameluke)
Because I'm thoroughly sadistic, I convinced several friends to brave In the Name of the King, Uwe Boll's latest tour de force, with me yesterday. It was beautiful. There was much laughter, confusion, and even a few tears. For those not fortunate enough to see this masterpiece, I'll sum up the highlights.

- The movie opened up with Leelee Sobieski and Ray Liotta lying (fully-clothed - I'm disappointed, Uwe, what happened to your love for boobies?) in bed, speaking of magic or something. The dialogue was amazing:

"I felt you...before you came. I didn't think you'd come."
"I came, your powers are growing."

- Jason Statham playing a humble farmer named Farmer (YES) who inexplicably carried a sword and magic boomerang on him.

- The music being a blatant LOTR ripoff

- The movie being a blatant LOTR ripoff

- Claire Forlani's proud declaration: "They tried to cheat me...because I'm a woman. So I got more money out of them...because I'm a woman."

- Burt Reynolds, looking bored and somewhat depressed to be in this movie

- Ray Liotta's wardrobe. It went from this Elvis ensemble - giant blue robe with a wide silver sequined lining, complemented by the world's biggest neckcloth (or possibly, tablecloth) - to a motorcycle gang outfit - big black leather jacket and dress shirt with rhinestone buttons.

- The "krug", which looked like people in bargain bin Halloween orc outfits.

- Farmer's cherubic son dying very early on in the movie. Much lulz.

- The music that kept building up and getting faster as Farmer buried his son... then disappeared into nothing. People kept laughing as he shoveled in time with the music.

- The "kingdom" consisting of about thirty people.

- Matthew Lillard's completely nonsensical performance, which included sneering, prancing, crying, and a mysteriously disappearing accent.

- Farmer declaring it would take a day to cross a ravine and deciding to ditch the horses and slide across the ravine on a random rope hanging across it. Except wouldn't you waste much more than a day if you have no horses and are carrying your own gear? Idiot.

- Affirmative action running amok in the king's army. Not to mention Black General's beard changing from shot to shot.

- Tree lesbians. The tree lesbians were made of awesomeness. They wore clothing specifically designed to enhance their cleavage, pretended to be a cross between an Ent and an elf, and swung gracefully from tree to tree with vines, looking exactly like they came out of a Cirque de Soleil production. The entire theatre gave an approving roar of laughter every time they appeared.

- "In my kingdom, they will not have a word for madness, they will simply call it power!"

- The king's bodyguards being ninjas. WTF.

- Gimli looking into King Burt's open eyes: "Are you awake?"

- King Burt's dramatic deathbed speech, which elaborated on the benefits of seaweed in farming. Masterful.

- King Burt's actual death. He stared and stared like a retard, then suddenly, DEAD. Everyone laughed again.

- Kamikaze Krug. The Krug were flinging fiery rocks from catapults, but apparently they ran out of ammo, so one of the Krug climbed in happily, limbs a-waving, was set on fire by fellow Krug, and was launched unceremoniously into a tree. I laughed so hard I cried a little.

- Farmer's brother-in-law, while chained up, to another random female prisoner next to him: "So...where you from?"

- Leelee Sobieski doing absolutely nothing the whole movie except looking confused.

- Tree Lesbian hurling a rope about two miles, jumping off a cliff with Farmer, and hurling Farmer into a random crag in the cliff. It's as confusing as it sounds.

- Ray Liotta chaining Farmer WITH BOOKS. He literally used his all-powerful magic to make books fly off the shelves and wrap themselves around Farmer's hands and feet, all the while as a terrible whirlpool of...books...rage around him. Pwned by literature.

- The ending credits song. There are no words to describe it.

Conclusion: I must write to Uwe Boll and tell him he's my hero. But I can't in good conscience recommend anyone spend money on this crap.

ZOMG

Dec. 8th, 2006 12:01 am
lawofar18: (Default)
NEW LAYOUT.

In celebration of the new Pirates DVD. Arr!

I painted my nails for the first time in... well, ever. I was driven to it by the nasty, dark purple bruise that mysteriously appeared under one of my nails one day and won't go away. I left it alone for awhile, but the very sight of it seems to frighten spectators, so I finally decided to paint over it. I didn't do a very good job of it either.

Ah well, such are the trials of growing up. And getting mysteriously bruised.

Christmas Party this Saturday. I could think of worse things to be doing on my birthday than having free drinks and rich food. If the chocolate fountain's there again, I'm set.

Slowly but surely, the Christmas shopping is getting done. I tried to do most of it online, as I had vowed, but I'm still ending up at the mall way more often than I anticipated. Just need to wait for Amazon to ship the rest of my stuff, and I think I'm good. Unless I forgot someone. Which is a very real possibility. By the way, Target sometimes sells the funniest stuff.

LOL TOYS )



Converted someone to Muse today. Think I should get Good Karma Points for that one. (Almost wrote "pints" instead of "points there"; hey, that'd make an awesome drink name: Good Karma Pints.)

Scrubs is back, and boy have I missed it.

Nothing cheers my heart more than some Christmas lights and music and... infernal windy weather playing havoc with my allergies.

Anyone in So. Cal interested in seeing Wicked? We're trying to get up a group.

Also, Gwen Stefani needs to die right about... now.
lawofar18: (WTF)
THE HOUSE STARTED TO STINK UP AND THERE WERE SCREECHING NOISES OUTSIDE SO MY DAD TURNED ON THE BACKYARD LIGHT WHERE WE SAW TWO SKUNKS HAVING BUTTSECKS WITH EACH OTHER OMG WTF

Now the entire house stinks soooooooooooo badly. DAMN ANIMALS! I THOUGHT SPRAYING BAD SMELLS WAS JUST A DEFENSE MECHANISM. <--KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT ANIMALS. Bleargh. I couldn't even eat dinner downstairs, and eventually, everyone fled upstairs and sprayed their room with body spray and hid inside.

Although my sister's and mine reaction was pretty funny.

DAD: TURNS ON LIGHT
ME: DANG THAT'S ONE HUGE SKUNK
BB: I KNOW, WHY IS IT RUBBING ITSELF AGAINST THE TV ROOM DOOR?
ME: LOL IT'S CONVULSING
SILENCE
ME: HANG ON... WTF... IT'S TWO SKUNKS?!?!?!?!?!?
SILENCE OF REALISATION HITTING HOME
ME AND BB: OMG HARGLKARGHHARGH!!!
DAD: LOL

It still smells. GAH!
lawofar18: (hump music)
1. Comment here and I'll pick one of your LJ interests and draw a picture using
the mighty MS Paint.
2. You have no say in what I draw for you, or in how bad
it will be!
3. Put this in your journal along with the pictures people drew
for you.

I might post the other people's pics if I have time. And I'm not lazy. And I collect them all. They've all been hawt so far. ♥

BE WARNED THAT I DRAW SPECTACULARLY BAD. LIKE, CRAPTACULARLY BAD.

JUST SO YOU ALL IS IN THE KNOW!

EDIT: Here are some pictures I've gotten )
lawofar18: (Default)
[livejournal.com profile] wtfsad and I wrote [livejournal.com profile] mr_mitts a fic for his birthday yesterday.

READ IT HERE: http://www.livejournal.com/community/mr_mittsluv/12927.html#cutid1
lawofar18: (Default)
NEWSFLASH 1: In a haze of righteous moral indignation, the Australian media has accused Neopets.com of teaching kids how to gamble. Silly Australians. Don't they know that LIFE is a gamble? Of course, one can't expect much from a country that produced Natalie Imbruglia.

NEWSFLASH 2: DEAR RADIO - When one is driving in heavy traffic through pouring rain, concentrating hard on not flipping the car multiple times over and pushing the other cars into metal pyramids, one of most distracting things we do not want to hear is Lenny Kravitz's stupidly simplistic new GAP song that is made up of a grand total of three grating chords and the grander total of two words. STOP PLAYING CRAP. THANK YOU.

And to continue our theme of lame pop stars...
NEWSFLASH 3: Popular R&B singer Alicia Keys is expanding her horizons. The 21-yr-old Grammy Award winner announced today that her real goal is to be an actress. Further shocking interviews from the artist have revealed that she has already starred in a movie, unbeknownst to her fans.

"Oh, I wanted to keep a low profile," Keyes said humbly. "I wasn't sure how good an actress I would be, so this first movie was more of a test of myself."

Apparently, the singer landed a standout role in the foreign Chinese movie, Warriors of Heaven and Earth.



"I played the villain," Keyes explained. "It was quite a change for me, because I'm usually such a good girl. I'm not used to ordering people around and having my way."

Keyes plays Master An, a heartless ruler who would stop at nothing to gain possession of a holy artifact. Just one glimpse of the movie reveals that Master An is a master swordsman and kung-fu fighter. When asked about this difficulty, the star just shrugged it off as if it were nothing.

"Oh, it was nothing," Keyes said with a smile. "At first, I was all afraid, wondering if I could get all the complicated fighting moves AND the intricate Chinese language down. Then I realized that doing kung-fu and speaking Chinese were much like playing piano, and I am a master of the piano. In fact, I can play any piece I want. I can listen to all of Rachman- Rachimanin- that Russian dude's concertos and play them all by ear. I especially love Beethoven because his music expresses the same beauty that I emanate. I remember how my mom would never let me quit playing piano, and now I heartily thank her for it, because I am, humbly, the best player in the world. But as I was saying, the intricacies of the Chinese language are nothing compared to the intricacies of "Fur Elise." Within days, I was speaking as fluently as the rest of them! As for the martial arts, well, if my fingers can fly with such amazing speed when I play scales, then surely I must be able to move with the same grace with the rest of my body."

And so she must have, because the brave Keyes claims to have done all her stunts herself, with no wires.



"Every movement you see on that screen is me," she announced proudly. "Even the mustache is authentic!"

Though she used a pseudonym in Warriors, Keyes has no intention of doing so again.

"Now that I know I can act, I'm going to do it proudly and represent!" Keyes said.

Already, the movie is being hailed by critics as "one of 2004's most thrilling adventures!" Unfortunately, Keyes was not asked to sing the soundtrack for the movie (again, the low profile), but she hopes to do so in the future. And a very bright future it is, if we are to judge with masteful performance in Warriors of Heaven and Earth.
lawofar18: (Default)
Spawned from conversation with Angela. This is my theory on why Colin Farrell acts the way he does.

Now I'm off to do equally productive things. Like steal candy from my little sister.

No, I'm serious.

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lawofar18

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