lawofar18 | EBAY STRIKES AGAIN!

As promised, here is the eagerly anticipated sequel to

wtfsad's and my fic! READ MORTALS!

After suffering severe computer addiction trauma after she discovered Neopets, Integral vowed never to take anything on her computer seriously again. That is, until she found eBay. The site seemed practical enough. It was where real people bid on real items for real money. It was like buying cigars off the internet, which Walter had done for her a few weeks ago.

One day, Integral was bored, and after flinging several paperclips across the room, she decided to amuse herself with something more worthwhile. That's when she remembered eBay, and she promptly signed into the website.

Since Walter carefully read the bills that came in, she was very careful at first to only buy items that would look proper coming out of the Hellsing budget.

But when she saw the "JESUS WALL PAINTING", she knew she had to have it. It would look so beautiful in her almost bare office! The interior designer side of Integra began to come out (WTF).

Carelessly glancing at the high bidder, she strategised in her mind, trying to decide what was the best high bid to place, while leaving room for sniping. She took out a pencil and paper and made 39827987192839271398179 calculations. Then, very carefully, she raised her bid by $5.

10 minutes later, she had won. Integral smirked. Only a Hellsing could make such a fantastic bid! (WTF) The other bidder never even bid back. They were that afraid of her internet presence! She paid for the item and thought nothing of it until it arrived a week later.

Integral was sorting through some paperwork when Walter came in with a parcel for her, which he set on the floor by her desk. After he left, Integral opened it and was dismayed to find that the painting looked nothing like the photo in the auction. This looked like something drawn by a retarded kindergartener!!!

~*FLASHBACK TO A MONTH BACK*~

"Hey, Doc! Look at this picture I drew of this man I met in the street today!" said Anderson, holding up a drawing. "His name is Otis, and I think we might be friends one day!"

Doc grimaced. "Take it away! It looks like the image of Jesus viewed by someone on LSD! And stop talking about how everyone is going to be your friend!"

Anderson cried as Doc threw out his picture, which was picked up by a homeless man a few minutes later.

~*END FLASHBACK*~

Integral grit her teeth as she sat back down. The seller was going to get some VERY negative feedback!

As she was writing a scathing remark to the seller's feedback, spitting out all the crude words she had learned from Pip, she noticed in her other window that someone was selling a "REAL roman soldier sword!!!". Completely forgetting that she had just been duped but a moment before, and unbendingly determined to have this new artifact, she began bidding like crazy with one hand and typing negative feedback still with the other.

"Oh, it's times like these I wish I was Doc Ock!" she said aloud (WTF).

Meanwhile, Maxwell's eyes bulged out and began tremoring enough to give Rome a small earthquake. "NOOOOO!!! FIRST MY JESUS WALL PAINTING AND NOW MY ROMAN SOLDIER SWORD!!!!" He leaned closer and nearly exploded when he saw that it was the same bidder from last time.

As Maxwell stared at that bidder's screename, his blood boiled. He grit his teeth as the words on the computer screen swam before him. He had consoled himself with the thought of having this Roman soldier sword - even the great sorrow of losing that magnificent painting seemed small if he could just have that sword! But now... now, his dreams of swords were ruined 4 EVA!

"I WILL FIND THAT PERSON AND STAB THEM WITH THEIR OWN SWORD!" screamed Maxwell, in all caps. "THEN I WILL TAKE THE PAINTING AND THE SWORD!"

He glared at the screen, as if it would make the bidder pop out. "SIRIWHELLSING8247," he repeated to himself. "SIRIWHELLSING8247. It's time to find you."

He had often heard of people "hacking" into other people's computer. At first he thought that people coughed onto their computers, and the thought of such disgusting sanitization struck horror in his heart. However, he found out that it was a way to enter someone else's computer. Father Renaldo had explained it to him with a very pretty picture.

Unfortunately, Maxwell knew nothing of hacking, and after unsuccessfully typing "WWW.SIRIWHELLSING8247_COMPUTER_FILES.COM" into his address bar for an hour, he gave up. "I know, Ebay has never failed me in my quest to find something!" he said gleefully.

Maxwell typed in "sirihellsing8247" into the search bar, and he was thrilled to find 82 Buy it Now items for "ADDRESS SIRIHELLSING8247". He bought all of them, in case one of them didn't work. (WHAT WTF) Maxwell rubbed his hands together with glee as he waited for the seller to send him the address...

Meanwhile, Alucard looked up at the flashing light above his computer.

"I can't believe someone bought Integra's address! LMAO!" he exclaimed.

"Wow, all 82 of them too!" Alucard added, sounding even more pleased. "Now I just wish I put more up!" He paused for a moment, then relisted it 500 more times. To his absolute delight, they all vanished within the next five minutes. He laughed and began typing an email to the bidder, preparing to send it 582 times...

"Ahh, that should settle it," Maxwell sighed, brushing his hands as he bought all the remaining addresses he could find. "LOL MY L33T SKILLZ PWNZERS J00," he said to Father Renaldo, who was coming in with some orange juice for him. Renaldo, thinking Maxwell was speaking in tongues, quickly gathered a small group of parishioners into the office to hear the sermon.

Maxwell preened and admired himself. Then he put in his favorite CD and sang "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" repeatedly while waiting for his e-mail. Fifty minutes later, he got the welcomed sound of "You Got Mail!". Then he thought his computer broke because the mechanical voice repeated this many many times. When the sounds finally stopped, Maxwell's eyes widened.

"NO E-MAIL MESSAGES!?" screamed Maxwell in horror. "That's impossible!"

Then his eyes went to the junk mail folder, which had 582 messages.

"That's more like it!" laughed Maxwell, as he clicked on each one, writing down the address 582 times. "This address looks familiar..."

Just to be sure, he wrote down the address 200 more times. "Yes, it's definitely similar," he muttered to himself. He checked all the other couple hundred addresses in his mail. "They're all the same!" he screamed...

...

"...MY L33T DETECTIVE SKILLZ ARE EVEN BETTER THAN I THOUGHT! Look, not even one of these contradicts the others!!! MAXWELL FTW!!!" He pushed the little cheering cheerleader doll he had bought the other day, and it gave a little whiny cheer. Then he grinned at the compliment the doll had bestowed upon him.
Stuffing the hundreds of addresses into his pocket (just in case), he put on his favorite floppy hat to protect his ivory skin from the harsh rays of the sun and waltzed out. "Tell anyone who calls that I'm out," he called to Renaldo, winking surreptitiously, even though he really was going out.

Father Renaldo merely blinked, wondering what to do about Maxwell's office, as Otis lept out of the closet and started stabbing the cheerleader doll wildly. Renaldo shrugged, figuring it was best just to leave and close the door behind him. He did just that, ignoring the crashes coming from the room. It was Maxwell's room, afterall. It was up to Maxwell to take care of it. (WTF HAHA)
Maxwell waltzed merrily across the Iscariot Parking Lot to his lovely new Mustang. Everyone was going to be jealous of him in his shiny car!

Grabbing an extra store of glitter he kept in case of emergencies, he sprinkled it all over his car, then tossed a good amount over himself to make sure they really shone! Then he hopped into his car, intent on driving all the way to the address. Unfortunately, as he was using Yahoo! Maps, he had ignored the cautionary warning of "Please check that roads still exist or are not blocked off by construction" and drove right into the ocean.

"Whoops," he giggled, backing back out onto a beach and over a magnificent sand castle Anderson was building with a 5-year-old boy on the beach. Both broke out into unending wails of agony as Maxwell happily zipped off again to take a detour (AROUND THE OCEAN WTF).

"That's for building something out of sand!" yelled Mike Teavee, who came out of nowhere just because the writer of this portion of the fic liked him.

Anderson cried. "I'm never making anything with sand, cookies, clay, or glass ever again!!!"

Meanwhile, Maxwell was going 120 miles per hour. Which was utterly insane. As the police chased after him, Maxwell sighed.

"They love me, they really do!" he said.

The police chased Maxwell for a good half hour, but just as they were about to catch up to him, Maxwell sprinkled some more glitter on himself, which blew off and into the policemen's eyes. Maxwell hummed to himself as the six police cars that had been after him swerved and crashed, causing a 1,094 car pileup.

"Wow, the world celebrates my arrival!" Maxwell said happily as he checked his rearview mirror and saw the fiery explosions behind him. He was so happy, and he was about to go recover his two most prized possessions, even though he had never actually possessed either of them.

In this manner, he drove straight to England (WTF?).

In the meantime, Integra was becoming more and more additced to this "Ebay." Walter was giving her increasingly worried looks as she kept checking her credit cards, and became downright alarmed when she asked him to check into the Queen's treasury.

"But-" began Walter. But he was hastily interrupted by Integral's Evil Glare of Evil Doom™ and other Doom™ness, and decided not to say anything.

"I can't believe the Major sold me on eBay," grumbled Doc from a corner.

"Shut up and keep knitting!" shouted Integral.

Doc pursed his lips and knitted furiously.

"I can't believe he said I was a knitting machine," muttered Doc.

Integral didn't even hear what Doc was saying, as her eyes widened. So many items, so little time... She clicked on each item's Bid Now button, justifying the purchase each and every time, not even noticing that her justifications were becoming more and more bizarre.

"I could really use this Devil's Rejects figurine," thought Integral. "Walter always wanted a crocheted kettle cover, and this is nearly like that." (WTF HAHAHA)

Walter stared helplessly around his room, looking at the various collectible Power Rangers posters and Mickey Mouse clocks that Interior Designer Integra had bought and put up in his room. As he stared, Seras came in, bearing an armful of moldy cheeses that were supposedly from Hillary Duff's breakfast. "Umm, Walter, do you know why these were in my room?" she asked, confused.

"Somebody must stop this madness!" Walter exclaimed.

As if on cue, a car screeched up to the Hellsing mansion in a showy cloud of dust and glitter.

Walter and Seras both turned and gasped, eyes sparkling with shoujo glee (huh?).
"Could it be?" breathed Walter.

Seras gasped. "Is it...?"

Maxwell burst in as if on cue, holy music and light all around him. Walter and Seras screamed, not with delight, but because of disappointment. They were expecting Burt Reynolds.

"Where is the unholy scum of earth who stole my things!" shouted Maxwell importantly. He was so caught up with being important that he didn't think to look around him.

"Excuse me," Walter began, but Maxwell shoved him aside rudely without giving him a second glance.

"Out of my way, associate of the heathen who stole my wall painting."

Walter gaped, not even sure he understood half of that. Then he shrugged and went down to mop Alucard's basement.

"Did you hear?" Alucard greeted him enthusiastically. "I sold this moldy cheese I found in the mousetrap over there, and some nitwit actually bought it!"

Walter turned, eyes ablaze. "RAGE!" he said.

Alucard stared, shocked and stunned into silence 4 EVA.

Meanwhile, Maxwell blindly ran about the mansion, opening each and every door and screaming "AHA!" every time. He finally reached Integral's office three hours later, and burst in.

"AHA!" shrieked Maxwell.

Integral turned in surprise. She was about to throw that dumb painting into the fire. "What do you want, Maxwell?"

Maxwell gaped in shock. "It's you!"

Mike Teavee, who was one of Integral's winning items, said, "Of course it is, don't you get it! That's the whole point of this fanfic! Didn't you notice her screenname!?"

Doc barged into the scene.

"Leave the sarcastic smartassy blunt comments to me!" said Doc, who turned to Maxwell. "Yeah, didn't you notice her screenname?!"

"Shut up!" Maxwell said, unable to come up with a more witty retort.

"Oh, that's real witty. Uh huh, real witty!" Doc said sarcastically.

"What do you want?" Integra repeated impatiently, keeping her eyes on her screen.

"You-you... you you you...." Maxwell stutted.

"WHAT IS 'UNICORN'!" Integra burst out as she happily bought a handheld Jeopordy game. "LAWL. Ooh, that reminds me." She began searching for unicorn figurines for Alucard's room; the vampire had always expressed an urgent wish for the decorative creatures. Little did she know that she was bidding on a REAL UNICORN!!! (WTF DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING)

Maxwell pointed and pointed again. Then he realized that Integral would never notice him until he spoke loudly. Which he did.

"Give me that Jesus painting!" said Maxwell, loudly.

Integral looked up from the screen, glasses glinting madly in the light that Mike was shining into her face. Doc grabbed the flashlight away from him and banished him into the corner. Integral stood up.

"I will never give you the painting!" said Integral, who, as you might recall, was about to burn that painting only a few minutes ago.

She clutched it tightly to her ample chest (WTF?), her bosom heaving against the suddenly precious wall painting. Maxwell had the sudden urge to reach over and rip that painting right off of her--

"OK THAT'S ENOUGH!" bellowed Doc, shaking his fist at the ceiling. "THIS IS NOT A SMUT FIC!"

"WTF I was just talking about the wall painting," Maxwell whined in a girly voice that sounded strangely like... well, a girl. He began to struggle with Integra. "MY painting!"

"No, MY painting!" she shouted, tugging back.

"MY PAINTING!"

"MY PAINTING!"

Doc decided that this was a good moment to escape, but Integra had unfortunately hooked up burglar alarms to ALL her ebay possessions, afraid of them becoming lost outside of the Hellsing grounds. Doc was mildly zapped, to his annoyance, and a loud siren began to wail over the two fighting.

Maxwell screamed. "The siren says that it's my paiting!"

"That's the alarm, you idiot!" Integral screamed back. "Which indicates that it is indeed MY painting!"

"Why do you care so much about that thing!?" screamed Mike, who wanted out of this fanfic. "It's just a crappy painting!"

Maxwell gasped. "It is NOT!!! It's a wonderful painting!" He hadn't even looked at the painting yet.
Integral, whose only purpose was to disagree with Maxwell, finally came to her senses.

"What are you talking about? It's a horrible painting!"

"No it's not!" Maxwell screamed back, purely to disagree with Integra.

"Fine," Integra gave up, letting go of the painting and sending Maxwell flying to the other end of the room with the force of his pull. "I have better things to do," she sniffed, going back to check on her ending auctions.

"I won? I WON!!!" Maxwell shrieked, in awe that he had actually beat Integra at something. Er, not that he usually lost. He danced around for a long time while everyone ignored him. Then he glanced at his hard-earned prize. "Ugh!" he shuddered. "I don't want this! It's HIDEOUS!"

"I told you so," Integra said, not taking her eyes off the screen.

"What should I do with it?" Maxwell wailed. He wailed and wailed until Integra looked up.

***

"WTF?" Alucard said as he looked up above his coffin. Above his sleeping place was pinned with permanent sticking tape an ugly painting, as if it has been done by a retarded child. On a note, it said, "TO ALUCARD. FROM YOUR FANS!"

"Aww, how sweet. I shall ebay it! LAWL," Alucard said, heading to the computer.

***

A few weeks later, after Alucard's third relist of this horrible item, an exciting bidder used Buy it Now.

"How wonderfuru! I will add it to my korekushion!" laughed Kouta Hirano. And indeed he did.

~THE END