A Comic Epic Poem in Prose

wtfsad and I wrote mr_mitts a fic for his birthday yesterday.

READ IT HERE: http://www.livejournal.com/community/mr_mittsluv/12927.html#cutid1

Yet another hip fic by yours truly and wtfsad. If you've ever wondered what a crossover with Hellsing, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and Four Brothers would be like, wonder no more. READ...

FOUR COUSINS


X-POSTED TO RONALDO COMM!1!

wtfsad and I have written yet another epic of such great scope and size and worth that only Ebay can contain it! Behold! Can you?

( CRACKTASTIC EBAY FUN!!! BUY NOW AND RECEIVE FREE SHIPPING!!! )

WASN'T THAT WONDERFUL CHILDREN? TUNE IN NEXT TIME WHEN FOR THE SEQUEL. OH YES. THERE SHALL BE A SEQUEL. THERE IS ALWAYS A SEQUEL.

READ NOW, THE GLORIOUS TECHNICOLOUR ADVENTUROUS POEM IN PROSE EPIC OF CAPS LOCK, THE MASTERPIECE OF OUR TIME, THE METRO ILLODYSSEY (unless Sad chooses to call it otherwise). YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO GUESS BY NOW WHOM IT'S WRITTEN BY. I shall give you a hint - TWO AUTHORS! GASP SHOCK AWE

READ THIS CLASSIC NOW!

I suppose this..."fic"...needs a bit of background first.

Somehow, Sad managed to figure out that my friend Markus is METRO. WTF NO. ANYWAYZZZZ:

WTFSAD: BTW DOES MARKUS KNOW HIS NICKNAME OF METRO ANYWAY LOL
LawOfAr18: LOL SICK I THINK SO DIDNT YOU CALL HIM THAT WHEN WE WERE OUTSIDE THE THEATRE LOL AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
WTFSAD: YES LOL HAHAHAHA OMG I THINK I SHOULD CALL HIM METROKUS
LawOfAr18: ROFLMAO AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA OMG YES HAHAAHAHAHAHH IT SOUNDS VAGUELY GREEK LMAO

[INTRODUCTION MUSIC OVERTURE]

AND METROKUS STRETCHED FORTH HIS SPEAR CLAMORING FOR RETRIBUTION FOR HIS DEAD BROTHER HIS VALOUR CLEAR THROUGH HIS CONDITIONED HAIR

HE CALLED FORTH HIS NEED FOR VENGEANCE IN A STEADY CRY "RYANUS" HE SCREAMED "FOR YOU I SHALL FIGHT MY BROTHER UNTIL DEATH FALLS UPON ME"

AND THEN THERE WAS A MIGHTY SHOUT ACROSS THE LAND AS THE METRO MEN OF GREECE SHOOK FORTH THEIR SHIELDS IN A POWERFUL RUMBLE "FOR TODAY WE SHALL CONQUER" METROKUS SHOUTED AND HIS NEWLY LAUNDERED SKIRT DID SHIMMER SO IN THE SUNLIGHT

AND SO THE MIGHTY WARRIORS OF METROPOLIS STOOD THEIR GROUND AGAINST THEIR ARCHNEMESIS SIMONIAN WHO BEAT THEIR ATTEMPTS AT ATTACK WITH A FLICK OF AN INSULT

"BEHOLD" SIMONIAN SHOUTED IN A VOICE RAISED IN TRIUMPH "YOU CAN NEVER PASS THESE GATES FOR UPON THE BURLY ARMS OF MY FATHERS FATHERS FOREFATHERS SO SHOULD METROPOLIS NEVER DEFEAT US"

METROKUS HELD HIS HEAD HIGH SHAKING HIS HEAD ONCE TOSSING BACK HIS CAREFULLY CONDITIONED YET STILL MANLY LOCKS ABOUT THE SUN SHONE BRIGHTLY UPON THIS GOLDEN MAN OF METRONESS AND SUDDENLY SIMONIAN KNEW HE HAD GLOATED IN VAIN HE WOULD SOON BE VANQUISHED BY THE YOUNG AND HIP

THEN AT ONCE THE COLD STRIKE OF FEAR PIERCED THE MANLY BURLY MUSCULAR HEART OF SIMONIAN AND HIS SPEAR TREMBLED IN HIS HANDS "RYANUS" METROKUS CALLED YET AGAIN IN HIS SQUEAKY HIGH YET STRANGELY FASHIONABLE VOICE RINGING ACROSS THE PLAINS "OH RYANUS THE DAY HAS COME WHEN YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR REVENGE" METROKUS BELLOWED RAISING HIS BRAND NAME SWORD

SIMONIAN FELT AN EERY CHILL RIPPLE THROUGHOUT HIS MANLY SPINAL CORD AS IF SOMEONE HAD DARED TO PUT COLD CREAM THERE AS METROKUS RAISED HIS HEAD TO THE HEAVENS AND CALLED OUT THE NAME OF THE ULTIMATE METWARRIOR SIMONIAN REALIZED THAT THE DAY OF THE BURLY MEN HAD ENDED

"THE DAYS OF THE BURLY MEN HAVE ENDED" HIS WHITE HAIRED SAGE GANDALFKELLEN SPOKE FROM BEHIND HIM AS IF ECHOING THE VERY ESSENCE OF HIS THOUGHTS "WE FIGHT A LOSING BATTLE" SIMONIAN SAID "BUT WE MUST FIGHT TIL THE END FOR AS LONG AS THE TEMPLES OF BALLYS STILL EXIST MEN WILL STILL BE MUSCULAR" HE SHOUTED "DEFEND THE TEMPLE"

SIMONIANS HOPES WERE SHATTERED WHEN HE HEARD A DEAFENING SCREAM THAT MADE HIM FEEL ILL THE SCREAM WAS LIKE THAT OF A THOUSAND BANSHEES SIMONIAN LOOKED UP TO REALIZE THAT RIGHT BEFORE HIM WERE MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF GIRLS AND WOMEN OF ALL AGES

"CAN IT BE" SIMONIAN CRIED HARDLY DARING TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE TRUTH "THEY ARE THE METROS REINFORCEMENTS THE FANGIRL BATTALION" GANDALFKELLEN PROCLAIMED IN A MIGHTY VOICE AND ALL THE MIGHTY MEN OF MANMUSCLENA FELL DOWN ON THEIR FACES FROM FEAR BEFORE THE DREAD SIGHT "ATTACK" SHOUTED METROKUS TRYING TO STEER HIS NEWLY CLEANED CHARIOT AROUND THE HORDES OF HIS NEW SCREAMING ALLIES

IN THE MIDST OF THE BATTLE WHERE THE EYE WAS DIM FROM THE CHAOS AND ALL WAS A BLUR CAME THE BRIGHT FLASH OF A METRO OF UTMOST POWER SIMONIAN GANDALFKELLEN AND METROKUS ALONG WITH MANY A METRO AND MUSCLENIAN ALIKE LOOKED UP IN WONDER AND FEAR OR AWE AS THEY BEHELD BEFORE THEM THE METRO OF LEGEND RYANUS

FOR HIS SEEMING DEATH HAD ONLY MADE HIM MORE BEAUTIFUL HIS GOLDEN HAIR SHONE IN THE SUN AND POINTED UPWARDS TOWARDS THE HEAVENS IN PERFECT FORMATION AS IF THEY WERE RAISING THEIR LOCKS TO THE GODS AND HIS CLEAR FACE WAS SMOOTHED OVER WITH A COMPACT SO THAT HE APPEARED UNNATURALLY LIKE A STATUE OF THE GODS "OH MY BROTHER" METROKUS CRIED CLASPING RYANUS TO HIM IN A MANLY YET TENDER EMBRACE THEN HE RAISED HIS VOICE "IT IS RYANUS" METROKUS SCREAMED "HE IS ALIVE AND HAS NOT ABANDONED US ALL HAIL RYANUS" "ALL HAIL RYANUS" THE METROS AND FANGIRLS SHOUTED WITH ONE MIGHTY VOICE TO THIS HALF MAN HALF WOMAN OR ERR RATHER HALF GOD

SIMONIAN LET OUT A MANLY ROAR OF ANGER RAGE PAIN AND ANGUISH AS RYANUS GIGGLED AND SNAPPED HIS FINGERS TOWARDS HIS DIRECTION "MY WEAKNESSSSS" SCREAMED SIMONIAN AS HE CLUTCHED AT HIS HEART AND BEGAN TO MELT

THEN RYANUS JUMPED FORTH FROM HIS CHARIOT AND BEGAN TO DO THE BOUNCE OF THE GODS WAVING HIS ARM AND FLASHING HIS THIN CHEST FROM HIS STRIPED GAP SHIRT "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" SIMONIAN CRIED AS HIS MUSCULAR FORM ROLLED INTO THE SAND "FORGIVE ME RYANUS I ONLY KILLED YOU OUT OF LOVE" HE SAID AS THE GROUND DID SWALLOW HIM UP AND HADES TOOK HIM SO

RYANUS STOOD WITH A TEAR IN HIS EYE AS HE BEHELD HIS LOST LOVE SIMONIAN WHO HAD BEEN DRIVEN MAD BY MANLY TESTOSTERONE OR WHATEVA "I AM SORRY SIMONIAN" SOBBED RYANUS AND HE CONTINUED TO CRY AS HE BEGAN TO VANISH FOR HE HAD ONLY RETURNED TO EXACT HIS REVENGE AND HIS TEARS BECAME THE RIVERS AND THE OCEANS AND FROM THEM SPRANG FISH OF THE UTMOST METRO POWER AND THEY FEASTED UPON THE LAMBS AND THE ORANGUTANS AND THE SLOTHS AND THE FRUIT BATS WTF NO

THE END

[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC ENDING SCORE]

I finally tried to dredge something up. It was originally intended to be funny. So, uh, WTF? Renaldo is anime Renaldo. He must never say anything. EVER.

***

( Training Session )