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Alexander the OH SO GREAT
Nov. 27th, 2004 12:00 pmSo I saw Alexander, and boy was it stunning...
...STUNNINGLY BAD. DEAR LORD I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER WANTED A MOVIE TO END SO BADLY. I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER FELT A GREATER URGE TO TAKE A SPORK, SPOON OUT MY EYES, AND FLIP IT INTO THE HEADS OF THE AUDIENCE IN FRONT OF ME. I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER WANTED MORE TO TEAR MY HAIR OUT BY THE ROOTS AND WRAP IT AROUND COLIN FARRELL'S THROAT MUSCLES AND SLOWLY DRAG HIM OFF THE SCREEN WITH IT. I WOULD'VE SWALLOWED MY EYES LIKE XIAHOU DUN BUT I WOULD BE AFRAID THEY WOULD COME BACK OUT WITHIN THE SPAN OF THOSE TORTUROUS WRACKING THREE HOURS.
Where to start? The dialogue that sounded like an angsty 14-year-old had written it? The miserable dramatics and blubbering that looked like they came out of a low-budget Mexican soap opera? The storyline that read like a really bad fangirlish yaoi fanfic? The celestial opera music pulled straight out of a really bad dramatic B-movie? The battle scenes that looked like someone had dropped the camera into a pit of screaming sand? The overdone slow motion work straight from some campy bad romance movie?
HERE BE SPOILERS.
NOT THAT YOU SHOULD GO SEE THE MOVIE ANYWAY, UNLESS YOU ARE VINDICTIVELY MASOCHISTIC.
If I ever needed convincing that Colin Farrell was annoying, this was it. Did Alexander the Great really spend 2/3rds of his life crying? I cannot count the number of times Farrell would be talking, only to have his face crumple up ridiculously like an infant, followed by a loud bawling my temper trantrum sister would be proud of. And the shameless macking he did on everyone! He wanted everyone. He wanted his mother, he wanted his admittedly pretty best friend, he wanted his slave, he wanted his three wives...
I very rarely hate movies entirely. I dislike movies, but rarely do I ever dislike them with pure, unadulterated hate. Even if it's subpar, I'll forgive it for sword-swinging action and crap.
No. I think I'm trauamatized for life.
...STUNNINGLY BAD. DEAR LORD I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER WANTED A MOVIE TO END SO BADLY. I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER FELT A GREATER URGE TO TAKE A SPORK, SPOON OUT MY EYES, AND FLIP IT INTO THE HEADS OF THE AUDIENCE IN FRONT OF ME. I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER WANTED MORE TO TEAR MY HAIR OUT BY THE ROOTS AND WRAP IT AROUND COLIN FARRELL'S THROAT MUSCLES AND SLOWLY DRAG HIM OFF THE SCREEN WITH IT. I WOULD'VE SWALLOWED MY EYES LIKE XIAHOU DUN BUT I WOULD BE AFRAID THEY WOULD COME BACK OUT WITHIN THE SPAN OF THOSE TORTUROUS WRACKING THREE HOURS.
Where to start? The dialogue that sounded like an angsty 14-year-old had written it? The miserable dramatics and blubbering that looked like they came out of a low-budget Mexican soap opera? The storyline that read like a really bad fangirlish yaoi fanfic? The celestial opera music pulled straight out of a really bad dramatic B-movie? The battle scenes that looked like someone had dropped the camera into a pit of screaming sand? The overdone slow motion work straight from some campy bad romance movie?
HERE BE SPOILERS.
NOT THAT YOU SHOULD GO SEE THE MOVIE ANYWAY, UNLESS YOU ARE VINDICTIVELY MASOCHISTIC.
If I ever needed convincing that Colin Farrell was annoying, this was it. Did Alexander the Great really spend 2/3rds of his life crying? I cannot count the number of times Farrell would be talking, only to have his face crumple up ridiculously like an infant, followed by a loud bawling my temper trantrum sister would be proud of. And the shameless macking he did on everyone! He wanted everyone. He wanted his mother, he wanted his admittedly pretty best friend, he wanted his slave, he wanted his three wives...
I very rarely hate movies entirely. I dislike movies, but rarely do I ever dislike them with pure, unadulterated hate. Even if it's subpar, I'll forgive it for sword-swinging action and crap.
No. I think I'm trauamatized for life.
