A Comic Epic Poem in Prose

I feel compelled to point out my subject heading because of how well the quote fits my entry.

Anyway.

We watched the Jessica Alba version of The Eye last night, and it was even worse than we had anticipated. I had made everyone watch the original last week (which is a pretty decent movie), so we were all prepared to make fun of the American badness. But man, was it bad.

( SPOILERZ OMG )

In conclusion
RATING: TERRIBAD

Because I'm thoroughly sadistic, I convinced several friends to brave In the Name of the King, Uwe Boll's latest tour de force, with me yesterday. It was beautiful. There was much laughter, confusion, and even a few tears. For those not fortunate enough to see this masterpiece, I'll sum up the highlights.

- The movie opened up with Leelee Sobieski and Ray Liotta lying (fully-clothed - I'm disappointed, Uwe, what happened to your love for boobies?) in bed, speaking of magic or something. The dialogue was amazing:

"I felt you...before you came. I didn't think you'd come."
"I came, your powers are growing."

- Jason Statham playing a humble farmer named Farmer (YES) who inexplicably carried a sword and magic boomerang on him.

- The music being a blatant LOTR ripoff

- The movie being a blatant LOTR ripoff

- Claire Forlani's proud declaration: "They tried to cheat me...because I'm a woman. So I got more money out of them...because I'm a woman."

- Burt Reynolds, looking bored and somewhat depressed to be in this movie

- Ray Liotta's wardrobe. It went from this Elvis ensemble - giant blue robe with a wide silver sequined lining, complemented by the world's biggest neckcloth (or possibly, tablecloth) - to a motorcycle gang outfit - big black leather jacket and dress shirt with rhinestone buttons.

- The "krug", which looked like people in bargain bin Halloween orc outfits.

- Farmer's cherubic son dying very early on in the movie. Much lulz.

- The music that kept building up and getting faster as Farmer buried his son... then disappeared into nothing. People kept laughing as he shoveled in time with the music.

- The "kingdom" consisting of about thirty people.

- Matthew Lillard's completely nonsensical performance, which included sneering, prancing, crying, and a mysteriously disappearing accent.

- Farmer declaring it would take a day to cross a ravine and deciding to ditch the horses and slide across the ravine on a random rope hanging across it. Except wouldn't you waste much more than a day if you have no horses and are carrying your own gear? Idiot.

- Affirmative action running amok in the king's army. Not to mention Black General's beard changing from shot to shot.

- Tree lesbians. The tree lesbians were made of awesomeness. They wore clothing specifically designed to enhance their cleavage, pretended to be a cross between an Ent and an elf, and swung gracefully from tree to tree with vines, looking exactly like they came out of a Cirque de Soleil production. The entire theatre gave an approving roar of laughter every time they appeared.

- "In my kingdom, they will not have a word for madness, they will simply call it power!"

- The king's bodyguards being ninjas. WTF.

- Gimli looking into King Burt's open eyes: "Are you awake?"

- King Burt's dramatic deathbed speech, which elaborated on the benefits of seaweed in farming. Masterful.

- King Burt's actual death. He stared and stared like a retard, then suddenly, DEAD. Everyone laughed again.

- Kamikaze Krug. The Krug were flinging fiery rocks from catapults, but apparently they ran out of ammo, so one of the Krug climbed in happily, limbs a-waving, was set on fire by fellow Krug, and was launched unceremoniously into a tree. I laughed so hard I cried a little.

- Farmer's brother-in-law, while chained up, to another random female prisoner next to him: "So...where you from?"

- Leelee Sobieski doing absolutely nothing the whole movie except looking confused.

- Tree Lesbian hurling a rope about two miles, jumping off a cliff with Farmer, and hurling Farmer into a random crag in the cliff. It's as confusing as it sounds.

- Ray Liotta chaining Farmer WITH BOOKS. He literally used his all-powerful magic to make books fly off the shelves and wrap themselves around Farmer's hands and feet, all the while as a terrible whirlpool of...books...rage around him. Pwned by literature.

- The ending credits song. There are no words to describe it.

Conclusion: I must write to Uwe Boll and tell him he's my hero. But I can't in good conscience recommend anyone spend money on this crap.

Saw Ultraviolet this weekend. The only thing worse than the primitive special effects was the unbearably cheesy acting/dialogue. (I actually laughed out loud at the playground part.) Plus, I don't see why people think Milla Jovovich is attractive. She looks kinda manly to me, and at some points, her acting and funky wig reminded me of Liv Tyler as Arwen. (*CUE SHUDDER) Nice abs, though, definitely. Action scenes ranged from the totally awesome to the WTF ridiculous (with sometimes a little mixture of both). But the last sword fight at the end was really cool, at least. I like my action to be pretty.

Definitely not nearly as good as Equilibrium, for those who were hoping.

Then I rented Rent. (LOL YOU KNEW I HAD TO SAY IT!) I think the tagline for the musical should be "Making AIDs look fun since 1995" or something because damn if everyone doesn't have AIDs and love it. Some of the music was really catchy, but I was mostly bleh about the whole story. Seemed a little pretentious. "WE'RE REBELS REBELS REBELS!" I think Bohemians are the opposite of Goths. They're rebels against the establishment, but they decide to love love love life instead of hate it.

I have, however, decided that all my friends and I should randomly burst into song whenever we feel like it. Hopefully, we will not have to get AIDs to contract this ability.

Also sang some Wicked karaoke with my sisters which was... well... wicked. (WOW, FIRST "RENTING RENT" AND NOW "WICKED WICKED KARAOKE"! I'M ON A ROLL HERE PEOPLEZ.)

Hmm, also went to Jenn's birthday party, which was fun. It was great to just rant about skating to someone who understood. And we'll have Champions on Ice to look forward too! (*fingers crossed*)

EDIT: http://www.nbc.com/Video/videos/snl_1439_natalieraps.shtml WTF LOL

Saw Chronicles of Narnia tonight. Beautiful movie. I loved it so very much.

I really liked that sort of unearthly look Narnia had. There was something vastly appealing about the deep bright reds of their armour, the extra-shinyness of Peter's sword (they'd better sell that as a replica!), and the surreal look of the White Witch's castle. Basically, Narnia looks like a world as a child might imagine it.

It was also nice and long, and didn't have that frenetic rushed feel that the past two Harry Potters have been guilty of (and understandably so, since the book's much shorter). Action was fantastic (except I wish the ending battle was longer). Tilda Swinton made a formidably haughty queen. And I ♥ Liam Neeson's voice, so he made the perfect Aslan. The kids were ok; Lucy was too adorable. And Peter was hawt.

Ok, it's way too late for me to think clearly, so that's all I'll say for now.

Hm, I think I want to re-read all the books. From what I can recall though, the film was quite faithful. And they get extra kudos for that.

In conclusion, it's no Lord of the Rings, but it's still one heck of a great movie.

NATALIE'S RATING METER: ♥♥♥♥♥/5

(When have I started using so many hearts?! I blame wtfsad for teaching me. WHAT HAVE YOU UNLEASHED?!?)

Saw Four Brothers Grimm yesterday. OMGGGGGG Heath Ledger's character was sooooooooooo beautifuk. I WANTED TO GLOMP HIM SO BADLY. ;_; Matt Damon (MATT DAMON!!!) has risen considerably in my esteem, I suppose. He was pretty funny. Loved the movie. Bizarre and weird, like one of wtfsad's and my fics. WAIT WTF NO. When I was kid, I used to always drag around this gigantic collection of Grimm fairy tales. Ahh, you were waiting for an anecdote, weren't you? Well, too bad. That's all I had to say, suckas!

<333333333 JACOB GRIMM. I want a Jacob Grimm icon. :O

/fangirl

Yesterday was really fun though. When I went up to the pay for tickets, I forgot what movie we were seeing (I frequently important facts such as the date, my age, and what I'm doing at the moment), and wtfsad and angrykeebler yelled "FOUR BROTHERS!" followed by a really horrified "NO!!!" from me. Ticket lady was confused.

Dinner at Tony Roma's. I think the waiter man didn't care about us very much. I blame it on the horrifukly big long table next to us. BASTARDS. And the food was very BLAH.

ANYWAY, since Cingular is such a HORRIFUK company, they are erasing their voice mail system on August 31st, which means my BEAUTIFUL, LOVELY, GORGEOUS [ADD 39281793871928371 MORE FLOWERY POSITIVE ADJECTIVES] CRISPIN FREEMAN ALUCARD VOICE MAIL will be gone. ;_; I've recorded it to computer, but it doesn't sound nearly the same. EVERYONE SHOULD CALL AND LISTEN TO IT THEN OMG! NOW!!!

And in other news, I am most looking forward to THIS: http://ps2.ign.com/articles/642/642959p1.html

IT SHALL BE BIGGER AND BETTER. AND DANCE-IER.

SICK.

WTF.

OMG.

THE END.

So yesterday, I dreamt that mr_mitts was really Alucard in disguise, who was taking on an online persona so he could peruse the Hellsing boards. This was somehow connected to Sean Bean, who was also online and searching for the National Treasure. I think the two were working together or something. CONSPIRACY NO.

WTF IS THERE ANYONE ON MY LJ/IN POP CULTURE THAT I HAVEN'T DREAMT ABOUT YET?!?

I saw National Treasure and Bridget Jones Diary PART TWO yesterday. I guess the National Treasure bit explains part of my dream. Anyway, NT was silly but entertaining, and it included a very hot windswept-looking Boromir Sean Bean. Bridget Jones Diary was amusing too, and it was worth it if only for that scene of Colin Firth and Hugh Grant chasing each other around the fountain.

Universal Citywalk was very cold.

And there was a creepy old man watching us eat dinner.

?!?

MATT DAMON!!!

NEWSFLASH 1: In a haze of righteous moral indignation, the Australian media has accused Neopets.com of teaching kids how to gamble. Silly Australians. Don't they know that LIFE is a gamble? Of course, one can't expect much from a country that produced Natalie Imbruglia.

NEWSFLASH 2: DEAR RADIO - When one is driving in heavy traffic through pouring rain, concentrating hard on not flipping the car multiple times over and pushing the other cars into metal pyramids, one of most distracting things we do not want to hear is Lenny Kravitz's stupidly simplistic new GAP song that is made up of a grand total of three grating chords and the grander total of two words. STOP PLAYING CRAP. THANK YOU.

And to continue our theme of lame pop stars...
NEWSFLASH 3: Popular R&B singer Alicia Keys is expanding her horizons. The 21-yr-old Grammy Award winner announced today that her real goal is to be an actress. Further shocking interviews from the artist have revealed that she has already starred in a movie, unbeknownst to her fans.

"Oh, I wanted to keep a low profile," Keyes said humbly. "I wasn't sure how good an actress I would be, so this first movie was more of a test of myself."

Apparently, the singer landed a standout role in the foreign Chinese movie, Warriors of Heaven and Earth.



"I played the villain," Keyes explained. "It was quite a change for me, because I'm usually such a good girl. I'm not used to ordering people around and having my way."

Keyes plays Master An, a heartless ruler who would stop at nothing to gain possession of a holy artifact. Just one glimpse of the movie reveals that Master An is a master swordsman and kung-fu fighter. When asked about this difficulty, the star just shrugged it off as if it were nothing.

"Oh, it was nothing," Keyes said with a smile. "At first, I was all afraid, wondering if I could get all the complicated fighting moves AND the intricate Chinese language down. Then I realized that doing kung-fu and speaking Chinese were much like playing piano, and I am a master of the piano. In fact, I can play any piece I want. I can listen to all of Rachman- Rachimanin- that Russian dude's concertos and play them all by ear. I especially love Beethoven because his music expresses the same beauty that I emanate. I remember how my mom would never let me quit playing piano, and now I heartily thank her for it, because I am, humbly, the best player in the world. But as I was saying, the intricacies of the Chinese language are nothing compared to the intricacies of "Fur Elise." Within days, I was speaking as fluently as the rest of them! As for the martial arts, well, if my fingers can fly with such amazing speed when I play scales, then surely I must be able to move with the same grace with the rest of my body."

And so she must have, because the brave Keyes claims to have done all her stunts herself, with no wires.



"Every movement you see on that screen is me," she announced proudly. "Even the mustache is authentic!"

Though she used a pseudonym in Warriors, Keyes has no intention of doing so again.

"Now that I know I can act, I'm going to do it proudly and represent!" Keyes said.

Already, the movie is being hailed by critics as "one of 2004's most thrilling adventures!" Unfortunately, Keyes was not asked to sing the soundtrack for the movie (again, the low profile), but she hopes to do so in the future. And a very bright future it is, if we are to judge with masteful performance in Warriors of Heaven and Earth.

I've suddenly been hit with a really bad case of senioritis, which isn't good considering I've only one more week of classes left and a ton of papers to write. But it's hit me really bad. I don't want to read, I don't want to write, I don't want to go to class... I had to force myself to class today, and then I slept through all of them. Bah. USELESS, ALL OF THEM!

Saw Prisoner of Azkaban the other day. I should LJ-cut but I'm lazy and shan't reveal spoilers anyway. There was a really freaky lookin' Draco cosplayer. Not that the movie wasn't good, and didn't look super-stylish, but I still have my complaints, mainly that the entire thing felt SUPER rushed. Yes, I know, blah blah little kids attention spans and what not, but when have I cared about the attention spans of children? If they can finish Order of the Phoenix, they can sit through a 3hr movie, dammit! I felt like I was trying to read the book while someone flipped through the pages quickly. The movie was like: "Hi, I'm Harry I go to school DEMENTORS look it's Sirius what is he the end." And I don't like the kids running around in normal clothes. It takes away from the magic. And how can you have the third movie without Sean Biggerstaff? Bah! Bah, I tell you! Complaints aside, the casting was spot-on. Gary Oldman was awesome, Emma Thompson was hilarious, David Thewlis was likeable.

Time to research more about Irish Catholic politics in the 19th century. You know, this wasn't as interesting as I thought it'd be. In fact, 13th century Celtic war tales were much cooler. WHY AREN'T THERE INSANELY DEVOUT IRISH CATHOLICS FERVENTLY KILLING PEOPLE?

Movies have lied to me. LIED!

Cowboy Bebop - YOUR bounty by Drusilla
Username
How much are you worth?	$666,751
Number of victims	5,160
Your story	You're a loner, you live alone, you die alone. Most likely you've been betrayed by a lot of people, or you're just afraid of being close with people. You usually keep to yourself...You need to get by in life...ah, so that explains the whole lets kill people...thing...eh..right?o_O
Will you be caught?	What does that matter to you? You're gonna escape anyway, right you mastermind? :3
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

After which I can join Vash and be notorious outlaws with him! Muahahahaha!!! Spike can never catch Vash!

Moving on, I saw Hidalgo this weekend and loved it of course. Nothing better than a movie with Viggo Mortensen, gorgeous horses (I want my own Hidalgo! Or Shadowfax. Or any pretty horse), Arabian deserts (ahh, the days of Lawrence), and swords and guns.

The funniest thing happened today. These two policemen showed up at my door asking for a "Justin" and looking very serious. When we had conversed confusedly for a few minutes, we finally realized that the Justin I knew wasn't the Justin they were looking for. Had me very freaked out for a few, and had them extremely bewildered. Turns out they're looking for a Justin who lives in this apartment building who also happens to have an asian girlfriend. They wouldn't tell me why they wanted him, obviously, but they insisted nothing was wrong and they just "wanted to talk."