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"They fought like men... with swords!"
Jan. 14th, 2008 11:39 amBecause I'm thoroughly sadistic, I convinced several friends to brave In the Name of the King, Uwe Boll's latest tour de force, with me yesterday. It was beautiful. There was much laughter, confusion, and even a few tears. For those not fortunate enough to see this masterpiece, I'll sum up the highlights.
- The movie opened up with Leelee Sobieski and Ray Liotta lying (fully-clothed - I'm disappointed, Uwe, what happened to your love for boobies?) in bed, speaking of magic or something. The dialogue was amazing:
"I felt you...before you came. I didn't think you'd come."
"I came, your powers are growing."
- Jason Statham playing a humble farmer named Farmer (YES) who inexplicably carried a sword and magic boomerang on him.
- The music being a blatant LOTR ripoff
- The movie being a blatant LOTR ripoff
- Claire Forlani's proud declaration: "They tried to cheat me...because I'm a woman. So I got more money out of them...because I'm a woman."
- Burt Reynolds, looking bored and somewhat depressed to be in this movie
- Ray Liotta's wardrobe. It went from this Elvis ensemble - giant blue robe with a wide silver sequined lining, complemented by the world's biggest neckcloth (or possibly, tablecloth) - to a motorcycle gang outfit - big black leather jacket and dress shirt with rhinestone buttons.
- The "krug", which looked like people in bargain bin Halloween orc outfits.
- Farmer's cherubic son dying very early on in the movie. Much lulz.
- The music that kept building up and getting faster as Farmer buried his son... then disappeared into nothing. People kept laughing as he shoveled in time with the music.
- The "kingdom" consisting of about thirty people.
- Matthew Lillard's completely nonsensical performance, which included sneering, prancing, crying, and a mysteriously disappearing accent.
- Farmer declaring it would take a day to cross a ravine and deciding to ditch the horses and slide across the ravine on a random rope hanging across it. Except wouldn't you waste much more than a day if you have no horses and are carrying your own gear? Idiot.
- Affirmative action running amok in the king's army. Not to mention Black General's beard changing from shot to shot.
- Tree lesbians. The tree lesbians were made of awesomeness. They wore clothing specifically designed to enhance their cleavage, pretended to be a cross between an Ent and an elf, and swung gracefully from tree to tree with vines, looking exactly like they came out of a Cirque de Soleil production. The entire theatre gave an approving roar of laughter every time they appeared.
- "In my kingdom, they will not have a word for madness, they will simply call it power!"
- The king's bodyguards being ninjas. WTF.
- Gimli looking into King Burt's open eyes: "Are you awake?"
- King Burt's dramatic deathbed speech, which elaborated on the benefits of seaweed in farming. Masterful.
- King Burt's actual death. He stared and stared like a retard, then suddenly, DEAD. Everyone laughed again.
- Kamikaze Krug. The Krug were flinging fiery rocks from catapults, but apparently they ran out of ammo, so one of the Krug climbed in happily, limbs a-waving, was set on fire by fellow Krug, and was launched unceremoniously into a tree. I laughed so hard I cried a little.
- Farmer's brother-in-law, while chained up, to another random female prisoner next to him: "So...where you from?"
- Leelee Sobieski doing absolutely nothing the whole movie except looking confused.
- Tree Lesbian hurling a rope about two miles, jumping off a cliff with Farmer, and hurling Farmer into a random crag in the cliff. It's as confusing as it sounds.
- Ray Liotta chaining Farmer WITH BOOKS. He literally used his all-powerful magic to make books fly off the shelves and wrap themselves around Farmer's hands and feet, all the while as a terrible whirlpool of...books...rage around him. Pwned by literature.
- The ending credits song. There are no words to describe it.
Conclusion: I must write to Uwe Boll and tell him he's my hero. But I can't in good conscience recommend anyone spend money on this crap.
- The movie opened up with Leelee Sobieski and Ray Liotta lying (fully-clothed - I'm disappointed, Uwe, what happened to your love for boobies?) in bed, speaking of magic or something. The dialogue was amazing:
"I felt you...before you came. I didn't think you'd come."
"I came, your powers are growing."
- Jason Statham playing a humble farmer named Farmer (YES) who inexplicably carried a sword and magic boomerang on him.
- The music being a blatant LOTR ripoff
- The movie being a blatant LOTR ripoff
- Claire Forlani's proud declaration: "They tried to cheat me...because I'm a woman. So I got more money out of them...because I'm a woman."
- Burt Reynolds, looking bored and somewhat depressed to be in this movie
- Ray Liotta's wardrobe. It went from this Elvis ensemble - giant blue robe with a wide silver sequined lining, complemented by the world's biggest neckcloth (or possibly, tablecloth) - to a motorcycle gang outfit - big black leather jacket and dress shirt with rhinestone buttons.
- The "krug", which looked like people in bargain bin Halloween orc outfits.
- Farmer's cherubic son dying very early on in the movie. Much lulz.
- The music that kept building up and getting faster as Farmer buried his son... then disappeared into nothing. People kept laughing as he shoveled in time with the music.
- The "kingdom" consisting of about thirty people.
- Matthew Lillard's completely nonsensical performance, which included sneering, prancing, crying, and a mysteriously disappearing accent.
- Farmer declaring it would take a day to cross a ravine and deciding to ditch the horses and slide across the ravine on a random rope hanging across it. Except wouldn't you waste much more than a day if you have no horses and are carrying your own gear? Idiot.
- Affirmative action running amok in the king's army. Not to mention Black General's beard changing from shot to shot.
- Tree lesbians. The tree lesbians were made of awesomeness. They wore clothing specifically designed to enhance their cleavage, pretended to be a cross between an Ent and an elf, and swung gracefully from tree to tree with vines, looking exactly like they came out of a Cirque de Soleil production. The entire theatre gave an approving roar of laughter every time they appeared.
- "In my kingdom, they will not have a word for madness, they will simply call it power!"
- The king's bodyguards being ninjas. WTF.
- Gimli looking into King Burt's open eyes: "Are you awake?"
- King Burt's dramatic deathbed speech, which elaborated on the benefits of seaweed in farming. Masterful.
- King Burt's actual death. He stared and stared like a retard, then suddenly, DEAD. Everyone laughed again.
- Kamikaze Krug. The Krug were flinging fiery rocks from catapults, but apparently they ran out of ammo, so one of the Krug climbed in happily, limbs a-waving, was set on fire by fellow Krug, and was launched unceremoniously into a tree. I laughed so hard I cried a little.
- Farmer's brother-in-law, while chained up, to another random female prisoner next to him: "So...where you from?"
- Leelee Sobieski doing absolutely nothing the whole movie except looking confused.
- Tree Lesbian hurling a rope about two miles, jumping off a cliff with Farmer, and hurling Farmer into a random crag in the cliff. It's as confusing as it sounds.
- Ray Liotta chaining Farmer WITH BOOKS. He literally used his all-powerful magic to make books fly off the shelves and wrap themselves around Farmer's hands and feet, all the while as a terrible whirlpool of...books...rage around him. Pwned by literature.
- The ending credits song. There are no words to describe it.
Conclusion: I must write to Uwe Boll and tell him he's my hero. But I can't in good conscience recommend anyone spend money on this crap.
