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INSIDE YOUR MIND!!!
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wtfsad and I have written yet another brilliant piece of work that we'd like to share with you. It's Phantom of the Opera... HELLSING STYLE! GASP! YOU KNOW YOU'RE ALL INTRIGUED!!!
Sir Integra Wingates Hellsing was a chorusgirl. She wasn't a particularly wonderful chess player, a particularly beautiful actress, or a particularly heavily accented diva, but she was happy to remain small and unnoticed. Someone else, however, had other plans.
"Muahahahaha, soon I will have little Integra dressed in a bad Egyptian costume!!" said a voice in the shadows.
"STFU! I own this place now!" shouted Doc, banging on the walls.
"Who are you talking to?" asked Anderson, as he stepped inside.
"A DUMMKOPF!!!" roared Doc, as he dramatically raised his arms to the heavens. Anderson ducked as if he were about to be hit.
"HALLO!!!!!!!!" screeched a shrill voice from the other room. Doc immediately withdrew his hands and screamed, jumping behind Anderson at the same time.
"I MISSED YOOOOOU DOOOOC!" said Major as he flounced in in a puffy pink dress, puckering his lips and swaying his hips.
"No, no, go away!" Doc cried.
"I WILL SING FOR YOU IN JOOOOOOY!" Major giggled, opening his mouth.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Anderson, shoving a moldy sock into the Major's mouth and pushing him out the door.
"GOOD JOB ANDERSON!" stammered Doc, as he began to recover immediately after the Major's absence.
Anderson's chest puffed up with pride. He had never been praised by Doc before!
"Now what?" Doc mused. "We have no bozo to sing the lead part tonight!"
"OR DO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!" boomed a voice.
"DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RUN MYYY THEATER!!!!!!!!" Doc screamed at the ceiling. Catching a sad glance from Anderson, he hastily added, "OUR theater."
"Mlle Integra, ah she veel ziiing fur yoo, monsieur," said Pip, the ballet teacher.
"What?" asked Doc, squinting at Pip.
"ORThfmglkfmsldkjvlshdlkxcsdf," said Pip.
"WHAT!?" screeched Doc.
"I'm sorree, I hava a cold," said Pip, coughing.
"I think he wants that Integra girl to sing," offered Anderson, who had experience with horrifuk accents.
"What?! Nevah!" said Integral.
"DOOOO EEEEEEEEEEET!!!! DOOOO EEEEEET!!!!" boomed the Phantom.
"Ah whateva," said Doc. "Go on and sing, slave girl."
"I can't sing!" shouted Integral, folding her arms in front of her giant chest. Or something.
"Don't be a difficult wench and hurry up and SING!" shouted Doc, folding his arms in front of his own chest, disappointedly noting the fact that he had not a large one to further emphasize the point of arm-folding. Or whatever it is I just said.
"I CAN'T SING!" screeched Integral, stomping her foot.
"If she doesn't sing, Major might come back," Anderson said timidly.
"OMG SING SING SING!!!" Doc screamed, shaking her until her chest bounced heavily. Or at least he thought it was her.
"Get ze your hand off ze my daughtohr!" shrieked Pip, hitting him with a cane.
"Sing so the bad man will leave me alone!" Seras sobbed.
"VTF!" said Doc, holding onto his back.
"AROND ARONDD THE MUBeRY bUsH THE MONKEY CHSE Da WAESEL" screamed Integral.
"She has the voice of an angel!" admired Anderson.
"Who is this lovely diva?" breathed Random Stage Actor #1.
Pip watched proudly on as Seras admired her best friend.
"VTF IS THAT CRAP!?!?!?" screamed Doc. "Gwen Stefani can sing better than that! And a horse's ass can sing better than Gwen Stefani!"
"I told you I don't sing!" Integra screamed, kicking him with her very strong dancer legs.
"OW!" said Doc. Between being kicked by a chorus girl's muscular legs and being thwacked by a ballet teacher's cane, this day was becoming sub-optimal.
"At least I don't have some lame Japanese girls who are only allowed to speak Japanese or something!" shouted Integral.
"Yes, you're so right, Integra-sama!" Seras agreed, nodding furiously.
"HALLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ANYONE IN NEED OF A SINGER??????" echoed Major's voice from the back.
"NO! WE ALREADY HAVE ONE!" screamed Doc, grabbing onto Integral at the same time.
"OMGGGGGG!!!!!!!" screamed Integral, who almost went deaf as Doc yelled while next to her ear.
It seemed only moments later when Integral was on stage, singing really badly, but nobody noticed because they were all asleep.
All alseep, that is, except for Maxwell, who was primping and waving and blowing kisses from the balcony. "Isn't she wonderful? Isn't she?" he cooed to the snoring fat man beside him.
During intermission, Seras whispered, "Who's that handsome man that keeps waving at you?"
Integra glanced at Maxwell, who was now plucking off rose petals and flinging them ecstatically into the air. "I dunno," she shrugged. "Some Catholic boy I went to school with?"
"He's our patron," Doc butted in. "If you sleep with him tonight, please remind him that our water bill has to be paid."
"WHAT!?" screamed Integral, mortified. Doc was already gone, however, banging at the walls and shouting at whoever was behind them.
"How did you learn to sing so well, Integral?" breathed Seras dreamily, not even noticing Doc or his comments.
Integral was already gone, and Seras began to wail as the opportunity for her first and only solo was ripped away 4 EVA because of Integral's negligence and selfishness.
"I AM SO PROUD!" boomed the Phantom as Integra finished to a silent crowd. "THEY ARE SILENT FROM AWE!"
A snore answered him.
"OMG BRAVO!!! BRAVO!!!" Maxwell screamed, jumping up and down. Grabbing what remained of his bouquet of roses, he heroically leapt from the balcony onto the curtain and slid down dashingly to the stage. "Integraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" he shouted as he ran backstage.
Integral didn't notice, however, and got into her room and put on ho-clothes for no reason.
"Hello, Clarice," giggled Alucard. "I mean, Integral. Damn, I keep getting you two mixed up."
"Oh! It's the Angel of Music!" sighed Integral, dreamily.
"What?!" said Walter, barging in.
"Angel of MUSIC, not DEATH!" screamed Alucard.
"SICK!" said Walter, leaving.
Suddenly, the lights dimmed and 80s music began to play.
"NO!" screamed Maxwell, banging on the door from outside. "Integra? WTF? Don't give in to the bad 80s music!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Integral didn't listen. Seeing as she can't seem to ever notice when people are talking to her, either she must be retarded in this fic, or she really has gone deaf because of Doc.
"GAWTH with me, Integral!" roared Alucard, flapping his arms around.
"I AM GAWTH YES I AMMMMM" sang Integral, badly.
"YES YOU ARE GAWTH YOU AREEEE" sang Alucard, badly. At least we now know where Integra learned to sing so horribly.
"And in this batcave of dripping noises, the Phaaaaaaaaaaaaaantom of the Opera is now my mastah-mind!" Integra and Alucard sang in horrible harmony.
"Welcome to my GAWTHtastic Cave of Gothness!™" Alucard proclaimed, waving his hands around his dark place.
"Hmm, it needs a little lighting, but I wouldn't put it on Trading Spaces anytime soon," Integra mused.
"STFU HO," Alucard screamed, slapping her. "Now look at this doll I made of you!"
"NO!!!" screamed Integral, kicking him in the crotch. Alucard blinked, unphased, because there was nothing in his crotch to kick!
SIIIIIIICK!
"SIIIIIIIIICK!!!" exclaimed Integral, disturbed.
":O" said Alucard.
"OMGWTFSICK!" Integral screamed again. Had Incognito become Alucard? NO SICK. Frightened, she crept forward and took off Alucard's sunglasses to see that... HE WAS WEARING SUNTAN LOTION!!!
"OMG MONSTER!" Integra shrieked.
"Damn you, harlot! Whore! Sow!" Alucard shouted, hurling every epithet he could think of at her.
"Hey!" said Maxwell and promptly sued him for copyright infringement.
"NOW YOU KNOW MY DEFORMITY!" Alucard wailed. "BOO HOO BOO HOO ANGST ANGST WAIL!"
"COME TO ME INTEGRAL! I AM FLAWLESS AND SPARKLY PERFECT UNLIKE HIM!" said Maxwell, who was in this scene after he barged in magically for that lawsuit.
"MAXWELL! OH MAXWELL! YOU REMEMBER ME!" screamed Integral, who didn't remember him much, but jumped into his arms anyway. Alucard wailed and shrieked as Maxwell carried her off to safety.
"OMGGGG QUIET DOWN IN THERE!" came Doc's voice from the other side of the wall.
Alucard gnashed his teeth for awhile, then decided to play horrifukly on his organ until Doc screamed at him again.
In the meantime, Anderson was running around, bewildered and confused. "Where is Integra?" he wailed. "Where is our star? We can't do our play tonight without a star!"
"Meeybee..." began Pip.
"NO MORE SUGGESTIONS FROM YOU!" Doc bellowed.
"OMG I GUESS YOU HAVE NO SINGAAAA!!!" giggled Major, showing up again.
"No, we don't," Anderson admitted sadly.
"STFU!" Doc screamed, slapping Anderson upside the head. Anderson cried.
"I will find Mantegra-"
"Integral," interrupted Anderson.
"Whatever! I will find her and make her sing!" said Doc, stomping around the opera house in an angry manner, shaking up the whole place and terrifying everyone.
Integral woke up from her deep sleep, wondering where she had been all night.
"What happened last night? I don't remember!" muttered Integral to herself.
"Have some coffee!" Maxwell said, flouncing in.
"I HOPE THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED!" Integra screamed, throwing hot coffee in Maxwell's handsome face. He shrieked and ran around.
"I AM GOING TO SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!" Major giggled, bouncing to the stage. He began to crow about in a horrible manner.
"OMG HOW DARE THEY NOT LET INTEGRA SING!" hissed Alucard in caps (very hard to do!). "They will pay!"
"OH STFU!" screamed Doc, punching a hole into the wall.
"OMGGGOFLKFLMVDF!!!" screamed Anderson, punching a hole into the wall as well. He didn't understand most of what was going on, but violence was something he did!
"THERE YOU ARE!" screamed Doc, barging into Integral's room.
"Oh no!" Anderson gasped as they heard the opening notes beginning and Major clearing his throat.
"Get out there! Get out there!" Doc screamed as the opera began.
"MUAHAHAHAHAH!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Alucard said.
"STFU!" said Integral, punching both Alucard and the Major.
"Oh, my diva!" sighed Maxwell, smoothing back his hair. Integral happened to smile at his direction, which Alucard noticed.
"HOW DARE THAT SKANKY HO TRY TO TAKE AWAY MY SINGING BUTTERFLY OF BEAUTY!?!?!?" raged Alucard.
With a butter knife, he began sawing away at the rope that held up the chandelier. As it wasn't a very sharp butter knife, having been in his GAWTHtastic cave for several years immersed in water, it took him quite awhile. In fact, seven performances of the opera had gone by, Major had caught the flu and gone down with a sore throat, and Integra had replaced him all in the span that it took him to saw away that chandelier. Finally, it came loose. "MUAHAHAHAHA!! MUAHAHAAHHA!" Alucard bellowed.
Several girls gave the most high-pitched scream ever registered on the decibel scale.
"OMG Maxwell, come quick!" Integra shouted, grabbing Maxwell. "I think I left my hairbrush on the roof!"
"I WILL FETCH IT FOR YOU DEAREST!" gushed Maxwell, grabbing her by the waist and teleporting out onto the roof.
"OW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Pip, who for some reason got a chandelier on him/her. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
"MOTHER!!!" sobbed Seras. "OH MOTHER!!!"
"OH NO ZE LIGHT HAZ GOOT ME!" Pip screamed.
In the meantime, Integra and Maxwell were out on the roof, having completely forgotten about any hairbrush (Maxwell never needs to brush his hair!). "I will ask you all!" Maxwell sang happily.
"Anywhere you go I want to stalk you there!" Integra sang romantically back. They began to make out copiously, oblivious that Alucard was now watching them like the creepy voyeur he was.
"OH YEAH THAT RIGHT I LOVE THAT BABEEEE" muttered Alucard, in all-caps. "WAIT WHAT AM I DOING!? RAAAAAAGE!!!!"
Maxwell jumped up when he heard the all-too-familiar battle cry of "RAAAGE" coming at him. Alucard ran up, butter knife in hand, ready to skewer him with it. IN THE EYE!
"AHA!" said Maxwell, pulling out a baton. Or something. WTF.
They began a fearsome clash of butter knife/baton as snow fell from above. Wait, is this House of Flying Daggers? WTF NO! Fortunately for Maxwell, his baton had an Attack +5 compared to Alucard's Attack +4, so he began to gain the upper hand. Maxwell was about to thwack Alucard to 0 HP when Integra screamed.
"No Maxwell!" she cried, shielding her eyes. "Don't do it. I cannot kill him! Let's just run away and leave him on the roof!"
"WTF," said Alucard as they ran away. He looked up at the snowing skies, threw up his arms and cried, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"We are ruined! Ruined! Everything is in ruins! And don't say 'raid' either!" Anderson wailed, wringing his hands at Doc.
"You're no fun," Doc muttered. They watched as their audience screamed and ran around like Men on Fire (like DENZEL WASHINGTON), shrieking as bits of glass and ash rained down on them.
"Our opera house is gone!" Anderson wailed. "Gone like the days of past are gone! Gone like the days of yore! Gone like that last bottle of hairgel from that Swedish store that closed down--"
"Oh shut up," Doc said irritably. "We'll just rebuild it and throw a party. Then everyone will forget."
"But-" said Anderson, but the opera house was already rebuit, and Doc was doing a German dance on the table. (WTF)
Everyone cheered and pretended as if nothing had ever happened, and joined in on the partying.
"Everyone is happy because I almost killed the phantom!" said Maxwell.
"No, it's because they get free pie!" argued Integral.
"PIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Anderson screamed, rushing by and stealing the custard right from Integra's fingers.
"WTF," Integra said.
"At least he didn't steal your engagement ring," Maxwell cooed, admiring his reflection in Integra's ring.
"You got this from those 25 cent machines," Integra said irritably.
"It's the thought that counts!" Maxwell said, sobbing while trying to look dashing and romantic at the same time.
"OH STFU! I will not have angsting in my party zone!" said Doc, shoving Maxwell out of the way. "Who do you think you are, Peter Parker!?"
"OMG WHERE!? He is SOOO HAWT!" giggled Integral.
"VTF," said Doc, looking at her oddly.
"EVERYONE IS HAVING FUN WITHOUT MEEEEEEEEEEEE" lamented the Phantom.
Just as Integra and Maxwell were about to launch into their popular swing dancing, the lights dimmed and Alucard walked on in a horrifically bad red outfit.
"How dare you crash the party?!" Anderson shrieked. "And that red is sooooo ugly!!!"
"OMG red is IN, stupidhead!" Alucard snarled at him. "It's like the new blue!"
"WTF," said Anderson.
"Whateva," said Alucard. He tossed them a manuscript that was written… IN BLOOD!!!
"Is that a manuscript written… IN BLOOD!!!" Doc screamed.
"He has stacks of it," Seras pointed out.
"So what?! It's written… IN BLOOD!" Alucard shouted. "This is my new opera. Now perform it, biotches!"
"NEIN!!!" shouted Doc, slapping Alucard 209438023940930984234 times with that manuscript.
Alucard screamed. "OMG STOP! STOP!!! YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING!!!"
"No he isn't! YOU ARE!" Integral screamed at him.
Alucard stopped. "You mean... you... HATE me!?"
"Yes! I mean, no! I mean, I don't know!" Integra cried.
"So like a girl!" Alucard said disdainfully. "It's that stupid dandy Maxwell, isn't it?! RAAAAAGE!" With that, he ripped the ring off Integra's finger.
"MY RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!" Maxwell wailed. "There goes a wasted 25 cents!!!!!!!"
With a bunch of evil laughter, Alucard ran around, threw a smoke bomb, then while everyone was coughing, ran to the nearest trapdoor and dove in.
"I have to go visit my father," Integra said randomly.
"OMG to bless our marriage?" Maxwell asked blissfully.
"He's DEAD, you insensitive moron," Integra snapped, marching off.
"WTF" said Maxwell. "This is so confusing!"
"And stupid! End this fic now!" roared Doc.
"WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS YELLING AT ME!?!?!" screamed Maxwell, going into a hysterical fit.
"HE NEVER YELLS AT YOU! HE ALWAYS YELLS AT ME YOU HEAR!? ME!!!!!!" screamed Anderson, beating Maxwell with his fist.
"STFU BOTH OF YOU!!!" Doc screamed, yelling and slapping both of them. He looked up pleadingly at the heavens. "Will someone please fast-forward this fic?"
"We're not even important characters at this point," Anderson laughed.
"THEN WHAT ARE WE STILL DOING HERE?!?!" Doc shouted.
"To keep me company," Maxwell said.
"NO!" Anderson glared. "For useless fanservice." With that, he began to flex his muscles at the screen. SICK!
In the meantime, Integra was sobbing and angsting and gothing over her father's grave. Suddenly, she heard a spooky voice. "Inteegraaaaaaaal!!! Integraaaaaaaaaaaaal!!!!" wailed someone.
"Math teacher?! I mean -- father?!" Integra cried.
"Uh, I don't know what Freudian issues you have, but no," said Alucard, a bit too startled to kidnap her like his plan was.
"Oh. Well, GO AWAY! Go stalk someone else!" said Integral, too tired to scream anymore.
"WTF!? But I LOVE YOU!" sobbed Alucard.
"Really??"
"No."
"Sick!" Integra said, marching off. Maxwell pouted, as he lost his scene to ride around in a dashing manner.
The next evening, they were all in Spanish dress at the opera, singing the opera Alucard had written… IN BLOOD!!! Suddenly, Alucard appeared in his most fearsome disguise ever - THE BUM CLOAK! It was so good that no one recognized him. At least not til Integra accidentally tripped over her basket of flowers and knocked his hat off, revealing - THE SUNTAN LOTION!!! After all these items in caps, the audience gasped and screamed.
"Oh no, Plan B!" Alucard said, grabbing Integra and diving into a trapdoor that led to his Cave of GAWTHDOM.
"OMG WTF!" Integra said.
"OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I WILL RESCUE YOU!" Maxwell screamed, stripping off his coat and falling into some random water. OMG FANSERVICE!!!
"OH MY! HOW THIS WATER MAKES MY SHIRT CLING TO MY GLORIOUS ABS AND PECS!" giggled Maxwell, as he ran his hands down his chest and stomach. SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK.
"SICK! MY ABS ARE BETTER THAN YOURS!" shrieked Alucard, trying to throw acid at Maxwell.
"You're just jealous! Hand her over now!"
"NEVAH!" said Alucard. "SHE IS MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!" he started screaming like the Duke from Moulin Rouge. SICK!!!
"I LOVE HER!" Maxwell bellowed in a sonorous, debonair voice. "I love you, Integra!"
"AWWWWWWWWWW!!!" said several Opera Fangirls.
"That's enough!" Alucard shrieked. He tied Maxwell up with a rope while Maxwell screamed and struggled like a little girl. OMG TYING UP MORE FANSERVICE WTF NO
"Choose me or I KEEEEEL HIM!" Alucard shouted at Integra.
"WTFFF!!!" said Integral, stabbing Alucard in the gullet with a mullet. Or something. WTF!?
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO I AM DEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD" said Alucard, as he melted into the floor like nacho cheese.
"SICK! PICKLED BRAINS!" said Maxwell, randomly.
"That's not how this was supposed to end!" Alucard's goop cried from the floor, angsting some more (how does goop angst?).
"I don't care!" Integra cried, stomping all over the puddle. "This is for all the A X I shippers!!!"
"Oh, my love is brave and darling and wonderful and stuff," Maxwell sighed, showering her with flowers he randomly found.
"Is this over?" Doc said out of nowhere. "I want to get back for yoga tonight."
"No; more fanservice!" Anderson shrieked. He pushed Doc into the water then jumped in after him.
"Guess what, Integral!?" whispered Maxwell. "We're all alooooooooooone..."
"OH STFU" said Integral, slapping him. Maxwell shrieked and fell backwards into the water.
Integral snorted and walked off into the sunset, singing badly to herself.
THE END
wtfsad and I have written yet another brilliant piece of work that we'd like to share with you. It's Phantom of the Opera... HELLSING STYLE! GASP! YOU KNOW YOU'RE ALL INTRIGUED!!!Sir Integra Wingates Hellsing was a chorusgirl. She wasn't a particularly wonderful chess player, a particularly beautiful actress, or a particularly heavily accented diva, but she was happy to remain small and unnoticed. Someone else, however, had other plans.
"Muahahahaha, soon I will have little Integra dressed in a bad Egyptian costume!!" said a voice in the shadows.
"STFU! I own this place now!" shouted Doc, banging on the walls.
"Who are you talking to?" asked Anderson, as he stepped inside.
"A DUMMKOPF!!!" roared Doc, as he dramatically raised his arms to the heavens. Anderson ducked as if he were about to be hit.
"HALLO!!!!!!!!" screeched a shrill voice from the other room. Doc immediately withdrew his hands and screamed, jumping behind Anderson at the same time.
"I MISSED YOOOOOU DOOOOC!" said Major as he flounced in in a puffy pink dress, puckering his lips and swaying his hips.
"No, no, go away!" Doc cried.
"I WILL SING FOR YOU IN JOOOOOOY!" Major giggled, opening his mouth.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Anderson, shoving a moldy sock into the Major's mouth and pushing him out the door.
"GOOD JOB ANDERSON!" stammered Doc, as he began to recover immediately after the Major's absence.
Anderson's chest puffed up with pride. He had never been praised by Doc before!
"Now what?" Doc mused. "We have no bozo to sing the lead part tonight!"
"OR DO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!" boomed a voice.
"DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RUN MYYY THEATER!!!!!!!!" Doc screamed at the ceiling. Catching a sad glance from Anderson, he hastily added, "OUR theater."
"Mlle Integra, ah she veel ziiing fur yoo, monsieur," said Pip, the ballet teacher.
"What?" asked Doc, squinting at Pip.
"ORThfmglkfmsldkjvlshdlkxcsdf," said Pip.
"WHAT!?" screeched Doc.
"I'm sorree, I hava a cold," said Pip, coughing.
"I think he wants that Integra girl to sing," offered Anderson, who had experience with horrifuk accents.
"What?! Nevah!" said Integral.
"DOOOO EEEEEEEEEEET!!!! DOOOO EEEEEET!!!!" boomed the Phantom.
"Ah whateva," said Doc. "Go on and sing, slave girl."
"I can't sing!" shouted Integral, folding her arms in front of her giant chest. Or something.
"Don't be a difficult wench and hurry up and SING!" shouted Doc, folding his arms in front of his own chest, disappointedly noting the fact that he had not a large one to further emphasize the point of arm-folding. Or whatever it is I just said.
"I CAN'T SING!" screeched Integral, stomping her foot.
"If she doesn't sing, Major might come back," Anderson said timidly.
"OMG SING SING SING!!!" Doc screamed, shaking her until her chest bounced heavily. Or at least he thought it was her.
"Get ze your hand off ze my daughtohr!" shrieked Pip, hitting him with a cane.
"Sing so the bad man will leave me alone!" Seras sobbed.
"VTF!" said Doc, holding onto his back.
"AROND ARONDD THE MUBeRY bUsH THE MONKEY CHSE Da WAESEL" screamed Integral.
"She has the voice of an angel!" admired Anderson.
"Who is this lovely diva?" breathed Random Stage Actor #1.
Pip watched proudly on as Seras admired her best friend.
"VTF IS THAT CRAP!?!?!?" screamed Doc. "Gwen Stefani can sing better than that! And a horse's ass can sing better than Gwen Stefani!"
"I told you I don't sing!" Integra screamed, kicking him with her very strong dancer legs.
"OW!" said Doc. Between being kicked by a chorus girl's muscular legs and being thwacked by a ballet teacher's cane, this day was becoming sub-optimal.
"At least I don't have some lame Japanese girls who are only allowed to speak Japanese or something!" shouted Integral.
"Yes, you're so right, Integra-sama!" Seras agreed, nodding furiously.
"HALLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ANYONE IN NEED OF A SINGER??????" echoed Major's voice from the back.
"NO! WE ALREADY HAVE ONE!" screamed Doc, grabbing onto Integral at the same time.
"OMGGGGGG!!!!!!!" screamed Integral, who almost went deaf as Doc yelled while next to her ear.
It seemed only moments later when Integral was on stage, singing really badly, but nobody noticed because they were all asleep.
All alseep, that is, except for Maxwell, who was primping and waving and blowing kisses from the balcony. "Isn't she wonderful? Isn't she?" he cooed to the snoring fat man beside him.
During intermission, Seras whispered, "Who's that handsome man that keeps waving at you?"
Integra glanced at Maxwell, who was now plucking off rose petals and flinging them ecstatically into the air. "I dunno," she shrugged. "Some Catholic boy I went to school with?"
"He's our patron," Doc butted in. "If you sleep with him tonight, please remind him that our water bill has to be paid."
"WHAT!?" screamed Integral, mortified. Doc was already gone, however, banging at the walls and shouting at whoever was behind them.
"How did you learn to sing so well, Integral?" breathed Seras dreamily, not even noticing Doc or his comments.
Integral was already gone, and Seras began to wail as the opportunity for her first and only solo was ripped away 4 EVA because of Integral's negligence and selfishness.
"I AM SO PROUD!" boomed the Phantom as Integra finished to a silent crowd. "THEY ARE SILENT FROM AWE!"
A snore answered him.
"OMG BRAVO!!! BRAVO!!!" Maxwell screamed, jumping up and down. Grabbing what remained of his bouquet of roses, he heroically leapt from the balcony onto the curtain and slid down dashingly to the stage. "Integraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" he shouted as he ran backstage.
Integral didn't notice, however, and got into her room and put on ho-clothes for no reason.
"Hello, Clarice," giggled Alucard. "I mean, Integral. Damn, I keep getting you two mixed up."
"Oh! It's the Angel of Music!" sighed Integral, dreamily.
"What?!" said Walter, barging in.
"Angel of MUSIC, not DEATH!" screamed Alucard.
"SICK!" said Walter, leaving.
Suddenly, the lights dimmed and 80s music began to play.
"NO!" screamed Maxwell, banging on the door from outside. "Integra? WTF? Don't give in to the bad 80s music!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Integral didn't listen. Seeing as she can't seem to ever notice when people are talking to her, either she must be retarded in this fic, or she really has gone deaf because of Doc.
"GAWTH with me, Integral!" roared Alucard, flapping his arms around.
"I AM GAWTH YES I AMMMMM" sang Integral, badly.
"YES YOU ARE GAWTH YOU AREEEE" sang Alucard, badly. At least we now know where Integra learned to sing so horribly.
"And in this batcave of dripping noises, the Phaaaaaaaaaaaaaantom of the Opera is now my mastah-mind!" Integra and Alucard sang in horrible harmony.
"Welcome to my GAWTHtastic Cave of Gothness!™" Alucard proclaimed, waving his hands around his dark place.
"Hmm, it needs a little lighting, but I wouldn't put it on Trading Spaces anytime soon," Integra mused.
"STFU HO," Alucard screamed, slapping her. "Now look at this doll I made of you!"
"NO!!!" screamed Integral, kicking him in the crotch. Alucard blinked, unphased, because there was nothing in his crotch to kick!
SIIIIIIICK!
"SIIIIIIIIICK!!!" exclaimed Integral, disturbed.
":O" said Alucard.
"OMGWTFSICK!" Integral screamed again. Had Incognito become Alucard? NO SICK. Frightened, she crept forward and took off Alucard's sunglasses to see that... HE WAS WEARING SUNTAN LOTION!!!
"OMG MONSTER!" Integra shrieked.
"Damn you, harlot! Whore! Sow!" Alucard shouted, hurling every epithet he could think of at her.
"Hey!" said Maxwell and promptly sued him for copyright infringement.
"NOW YOU KNOW MY DEFORMITY!" Alucard wailed. "BOO HOO BOO HOO ANGST ANGST WAIL!"
"COME TO ME INTEGRAL! I AM FLAWLESS AND SPARKLY PERFECT UNLIKE HIM!" said Maxwell, who was in this scene after he barged in magically for that lawsuit.
"MAXWELL! OH MAXWELL! YOU REMEMBER ME!" screamed Integral, who didn't remember him much, but jumped into his arms anyway. Alucard wailed and shrieked as Maxwell carried her off to safety.
"OMGGGG QUIET DOWN IN THERE!" came Doc's voice from the other side of the wall.
Alucard gnashed his teeth for awhile, then decided to play horrifukly on his organ until Doc screamed at him again.
In the meantime, Anderson was running around, bewildered and confused. "Where is Integra?" he wailed. "Where is our star? We can't do our play tonight without a star!"
"Meeybee..." began Pip.
"NO MORE SUGGESTIONS FROM YOU!" Doc bellowed.
"OMG I GUESS YOU HAVE NO SINGAAAA!!!" giggled Major, showing up again.
"No, we don't," Anderson admitted sadly.
"STFU!" Doc screamed, slapping Anderson upside the head. Anderson cried.
"I will find Mantegra-"
"Integral," interrupted Anderson.
"Whatever! I will find her and make her sing!" said Doc, stomping around the opera house in an angry manner, shaking up the whole place and terrifying everyone.
Integral woke up from her deep sleep, wondering where she had been all night.
"What happened last night? I don't remember!" muttered Integral to herself.
"Have some coffee!" Maxwell said, flouncing in.
"I HOPE THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED!" Integra screamed, throwing hot coffee in Maxwell's handsome face. He shrieked and ran around.
"I AM GOING TO SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!" Major giggled, bouncing to the stage. He began to crow about in a horrible manner.
"OMG HOW DARE THEY NOT LET INTEGRA SING!" hissed Alucard in caps (very hard to do!). "They will pay!"
"OH STFU!" screamed Doc, punching a hole into the wall.
"OMGGGOFLKFLMVDF!!!" screamed Anderson, punching a hole into the wall as well. He didn't understand most of what was going on, but violence was something he did!
"THERE YOU ARE!" screamed Doc, barging into Integral's room.
"Oh no!" Anderson gasped as they heard the opening notes beginning and Major clearing his throat.
"Get out there! Get out there!" Doc screamed as the opera began.
"MUAHAHAHAHAH!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Alucard said.
"STFU!" said Integral, punching both Alucard and the Major.
"Oh, my diva!" sighed Maxwell, smoothing back his hair. Integral happened to smile at his direction, which Alucard noticed.
"HOW DARE THAT SKANKY HO TRY TO TAKE AWAY MY SINGING BUTTERFLY OF BEAUTY!?!?!?" raged Alucard.
With a butter knife, he began sawing away at the rope that held up the chandelier. As it wasn't a very sharp butter knife, having been in his GAWTHtastic cave for several years immersed in water, it took him quite awhile. In fact, seven performances of the opera had gone by, Major had caught the flu and gone down with a sore throat, and Integra had replaced him all in the span that it took him to saw away that chandelier. Finally, it came loose. "MUAHAHAHAHA!! MUAHAHAAHHA!" Alucard bellowed.
Several girls gave the most high-pitched scream ever registered on the decibel scale.
"OMG Maxwell, come quick!" Integra shouted, grabbing Maxwell. "I think I left my hairbrush on the roof!"
"I WILL FETCH IT FOR YOU DEAREST!" gushed Maxwell, grabbing her by the waist and teleporting out onto the roof.
"OW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Pip, who for some reason got a chandelier on him/her. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
"MOTHER!!!" sobbed Seras. "OH MOTHER!!!"
"OH NO ZE LIGHT HAZ GOOT ME!" Pip screamed.
In the meantime, Integra and Maxwell were out on the roof, having completely forgotten about any hairbrush (Maxwell never needs to brush his hair!). "I will ask you all!" Maxwell sang happily.
"Anywhere you go I want to stalk you there!" Integra sang romantically back. They began to make out copiously, oblivious that Alucard was now watching them like the creepy voyeur he was.
"OH YEAH THAT RIGHT I LOVE THAT BABEEEE" muttered Alucard, in all-caps. "WAIT WHAT AM I DOING!? RAAAAAAGE!!!!"
Maxwell jumped up when he heard the all-too-familiar battle cry of "RAAAGE" coming at him. Alucard ran up, butter knife in hand, ready to skewer him with it. IN THE EYE!
"AHA!" said Maxwell, pulling out a baton. Or something. WTF.
They began a fearsome clash of butter knife/baton as snow fell from above. Wait, is this House of Flying Daggers? WTF NO! Fortunately for Maxwell, his baton had an Attack +5 compared to Alucard's Attack +4, so he began to gain the upper hand. Maxwell was about to thwack Alucard to 0 HP when Integra screamed.
"No Maxwell!" she cried, shielding her eyes. "Don't do it. I cannot kill him! Let's just run away and leave him on the roof!"
"WTF," said Alucard as they ran away. He looked up at the snowing skies, threw up his arms and cried, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"We are ruined! Ruined! Everything is in ruins! And don't say 'raid' either!" Anderson wailed, wringing his hands at Doc.
"You're no fun," Doc muttered. They watched as their audience screamed and ran around like Men on Fire (like DENZEL WASHINGTON), shrieking as bits of glass and ash rained down on them.
"Our opera house is gone!" Anderson wailed. "Gone like the days of past are gone! Gone like the days of yore! Gone like that last bottle of hairgel from that Swedish store that closed down--"
"Oh shut up," Doc said irritably. "We'll just rebuild it and throw a party. Then everyone will forget."
"But-" said Anderson, but the opera house was already rebuit, and Doc was doing a German dance on the table. (WTF)
Everyone cheered and pretended as if nothing had ever happened, and joined in on the partying.
"Everyone is happy because I almost killed the phantom!" said Maxwell.
"No, it's because they get free pie!" argued Integral.
"PIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Anderson screamed, rushing by and stealing the custard right from Integra's fingers.
"WTF," Integra said.
"At least he didn't steal your engagement ring," Maxwell cooed, admiring his reflection in Integra's ring.
"You got this from those 25 cent machines," Integra said irritably.
"It's the thought that counts!" Maxwell said, sobbing while trying to look dashing and romantic at the same time.
"OH STFU! I will not have angsting in my party zone!" said Doc, shoving Maxwell out of the way. "Who do you think you are, Peter Parker!?"
"OMG WHERE!? He is SOOO HAWT!" giggled Integral.
"VTF," said Doc, looking at her oddly.
"EVERYONE IS HAVING FUN WITHOUT MEEEEEEEEEEEE" lamented the Phantom.
Just as Integra and Maxwell were about to launch into their popular swing dancing, the lights dimmed and Alucard walked on in a horrifically bad red outfit.
"How dare you crash the party?!" Anderson shrieked. "And that red is sooooo ugly!!!"
"OMG red is IN, stupidhead!" Alucard snarled at him. "It's like the new blue!"
"WTF," said Anderson.
"Whateva," said Alucard. He tossed them a manuscript that was written… IN BLOOD!!!
"Is that a manuscript written… IN BLOOD!!!" Doc screamed.
"He has stacks of it," Seras pointed out.
"So what?! It's written… IN BLOOD!" Alucard shouted. "This is my new opera. Now perform it, biotches!"
"NEIN!!!" shouted Doc, slapping Alucard 209438023940930984234 times with that manuscript.
Alucard screamed. "OMG STOP! STOP!!! YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING!!!"
"No he isn't! YOU ARE!" Integral screamed at him.
Alucard stopped. "You mean... you... HATE me!?"
"Yes! I mean, no! I mean, I don't know!" Integra cried.
"So like a girl!" Alucard said disdainfully. "It's that stupid dandy Maxwell, isn't it?! RAAAAAGE!" With that, he ripped the ring off Integra's finger.
"MY RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!" Maxwell wailed. "There goes a wasted 25 cents!!!!!!!"
With a bunch of evil laughter, Alucard ran around, threw a smoke bomb, then while everyone was coughing, ran to the nearest trapdoor and dove in.
"I have to go visit my father," Integra said randomly.
"OMG to bless our marriage?" Maxwell asked blissfully.
"He's DEAD, you insensitive moron," Integra snapped, marching off.
"WTF" said Maxwell. "This is so confusing!"
"And stupid! End this fic now!" roared Doc.
"WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS YELLING AT ME!?!?!" screamed Maxwell, going into a hysterical fit.
"HE NEVER YELLS AT YOU! HE ALWAYS YELLS AT ME YOU HEAR!? ME!!!!!!" screamed Anderson, beating Maxwell with his fist.
"STFU BOTH OF YOU!!!" Doc screamed, yelling and slapping both of them. He looked up pleadingly at the heavens. "Will someone please fast-forward this fic?"
"We're not even important characters at this point," Anderson laughed.
"THEN WHAT ARE WE STILL DOING HERE?!?!" Doc shouted.
"To keep me company," Maxwell said.
"NO!" Anderson glared. "For useless fanservice." With that, he began to flex his muscles at the screen. SICK!
In the meantime, Integra was sobbing and angsting and gothing over her father's grave. Suddenly, she heard a spooky voice. "Inteegraaaaaaaal!!! Integraaaaaaaaaaaaal!!!!" wailed someone.
"Math teacher?! I mean -- father?!" Integra cried.
"Uh, I don't know what Freudian issues you have, but no," said Alucard, a bit too startled to kidnap her like his plan was.
"Oh. Well, GO AWAY! Go stalk someone else!" said Integral, too tired to scream anymore.
"WTF!? But I LOVE YOU!" sobbed Alucard.
"Really??"
"No."
"Sick!" Integra said, marching off. Maxwell pouted, as he lost his scene to ride around in a dashing manner.
The next evening, they were all in Spanish dress at the opera, singing the opera Alucard had written… IN BLOOD!!! Suddenly, Alucard appeared in his most fearsome disguise ever - THE BUM CLOAK! It was so good that no one recognized him. At least not til Integra accidentally tripped over her basket of flowers and knocked his hat off, revealing - THE SUNTAN LOTION!!! After all these items in caps, the audience gasped and screamed.
"Oh no, Plan B!" Alucard said, grabbing Integra and diving into a trapdoor that led to his Cave of GAWTHDOM.
"OMG WTF!" Integra said.
"OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I WILL RESCUE YOU!" Maxwell screamed, stripping off his coat and falling into some random water. OMG FANSERVICE!!!
"OH MY! HOW THIS WATER MAKES MY SHIRT CLING TO MY GLORIOUS ABS AND PECS!" giggled Maxwell, as he ran his hands down his chest and stomach. SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK.
"SICK! MY ABS ARE BETTER THAN YOURS!" shrieked Alucard, trying to throw acid at Maxwell.
"You're just jealous! Hand her over now!"
"NEVAH!" said Alucard. "SHE IS MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!" he started screaming like the Duke from Moulin Rouge. SICK!!!
"I LOVE HER!" Maxwell bellowed in a sonorous, debonair voice. "I love you, Integra!"
"AWWWWWWWWWW!!!" said several Opera Fangirls.
"That's enough!" Alucard shrieked. He tied Maxwell up with a rope while Maxwell screamed and struggled like a little girl. OMG TYING UP MORE FANSERVICE WTF NO
"Choose me or I KEEEEEL HIM!" Alucard shouted at Integra.
"WTFFF!!!" said Integral, stabbing Alucard in the gullet with a mullet. Or something. WTF!?
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO I AM DEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD" said Alucard, as he melted into the floor like nacho cheese.
"SICK! PICKLED BRAINS!" said Maxwell, randomly.
"That's not how this was supposed to end!" Alucard's goop cried from the floor, angsting some more (how does goop angst?).
"I don't care!" Integra cried, stomping all over the puddle. "This is for all the A X I shippers!!!"
"Oh, my love is brave and darling and wonderful and stuff," Maxwell sighed, showering her with flowers he randomly found.
"Is this over?" Doc said out of nowhere. "I want to get back for yoga tonight."
"No; more fanservice!" Anderson shrieked. He pushed Doc into the water then jumped in after him.
"Guess what, Integral!?" whispered Maxwell. "We're all alooooooooooone..."
"OH STFU" said Integral, slapping him. Maxwell shrieked and fell backwards into the water.
Integral snorted and walked off into the sunset, singing badly to herself.
THE END
